I just found out someone I went to college with died in a car accident in the spring. It's not awful, I mean, we weren't close, but it's not not awful either, because I really liked him when I knew him. We had a couple of classes together and we'd sort of flirt with each other from across the table. He was in a band and I saw them play a few times. In one class, at the end of the semester, our professor had us anonymously write something nice about everyone in class. Even though it was anonymous, I could tell which comment was his and it meant the most to me because I liked him the most. As I'm packing up to move last week, I'm going through this box of old stuff and I find that slip of paper with all those comments on it and his comment still meant the most to me. As I'm reading it, he's already dead, but I didn't know it until yesterday. It's not awful, but it is sad. He was a good person.

I have this CD from his band and the songs are on my iPod.

NYPL

I love the library. You just can't get bored there. And they let you read things...for free! I think it is truly one of the most awesome public services in the country. And who do we have to thank for it? Why, the inventor of the bifocal: Benji Franklin!

When I was younger I went to the library all the time with my dad. There was a big branch downtown and he would let us go off on our own. I would always go to the comics and read all the Garfields (a cat who loved lasagna? crazy!) and Peanuts. And I would check out all these books and never read them, but who cares? It was the possibility of reading that was so enticing. One time we went to a smaller local branch and I thought my dad left me there (I think that must have hurt his feelings for me to assume I meant so little to him that he would "forget" me anywhere). I called my mom and she came to get me. But before she got there, of course, my dad appeared. Now keep in mind, this was in the days before cell phones, so there was no telling my mom to head back home (and even if it weren't, my parents don't even have an answering machine so there's no hope for them getting cells). So suddenly I had TWO rides home...I felt stupid.

But I still loooove the library. And with LEO online you can reserve and renew books online! Genius! I look forward, with great anticipation, to the day when we no longer have to speak to each other.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I wish it were better. I won't mention anything to spoil it for those who haven't read it yet. I thought it kind of dragged. There were some interesting bits that happened and I can kind of see where it's all going to end up. Really, I just thought Harry was a moody brat who--and I have to agree with Snape--thinks he's better than everyone else. Who knows? Maybe he is. Worst of all, I thought Rowling's poor writing skills really showed through on this one. She tells a good story; she just doesn't tell it very well.

Favorite quote: from this book? Yeah right.

Further Evidence I'm Becoming My Mother

I took out a purse I hadn't used in a few months and found half a pack of gum in it (not quite as good as finding a stray $20). When I was little, I used to go into my mom's closet, rifle through all her purses, and unload all the piece of Dentyne she's forgotten about, which I would then eat in quick succession.

If I ever start freezing loaves of bread, please, someone put me out of my misery.

I feel fat today.

Christopher Plummer

Prior to ten minutes ago, I had absolutely no feelings for or against Christopher Plummer. But he is so witty and charming in this EW interview, I think he might be my favorite actor in the whole world. Well, next to Jake Gyllenhaal, of course.

I hate...

...the word gelee. It can't possibly signify a food I would ever want to eat. In the December issue of Martha Stewart's Living, there is a picture of "pate with pomegranate gelee" and although it is a very lovely photo, I think I would rather eat a tree branch.

Pandas are so cute they actually make my teeth hurt. Seriously, I can't stand it! I mean, I know I said it about the baby penguins, but there ain't no human baby this cute!

macamonies

Whenever I make Kraft mac n cheese with the powder cheese, it always ends up a little runny. I could never figure out the right milk and butter ratio. Plus I usually use skim milk because that's what I have in the fridge so that doesn't help the runny factor either. Yesterday though, I happened to have some heavy cream in the fridge. Well, problem solved! No more runny cheese!

Of course, then things got weird when I added jalapeno jelly and crushed potato chips on top. But it was soooo good.

Why do I know this?

There are two pictures of Summer Redstone and Tom Freston in this week's EW. There aren't any captions with the pictures, but I saw them and saw the word "Viacom" and both their names popped into my head. I mean, I'm kind of appalled I not only know who Tom Freston is, but that I also know what he looks like. What kind of crazy, useless shit is stored inside my head and is that why there isn't room for me to remember where my keys are?

411 this ain't

I got a comment to one of my posts that strikes me as totally absurd. This is what it said:

"doer" said...
Hello, just visited your blog, it's informative. I also have a Ebay related web site. Please visit and hope that it's useful.

Keep in mind this is in response to a post about how I dreamt I was in love with Lance Armstrong and he was in love with my mother (that still kind of creeps me out). I mean, I'm not trying to sell myself short, but if there's one thing my website is NOT, it's informative.

Eat Buttons and Die!

I've lived in New York for over seven years, but this recent episode has to be one of my favorite stories. A few weeks ago I went to City Center's Fall for Dance Festival for the first time. As those who have been can attest, seating is cramped. It's nearly 8:00 and there is no one sitting next to me, so I'm feeling hopeful. Of course, this was not to be. I end up sitting next to quite possibly the meanest woman in the city! The first piece is Molissa Fenley & Dancers performing Hemispheres, to which there is no music for the first ten minutes or so. You can hear every cough and twitch and of course, everyone starts turning off their cells (why they couldn't do that before the show started, I have no idea). There is a lady behind us (also not very nice) (apparently) who doesn't seem to know how to turn off her phone. She is pressing a lot of buttons. That is when this exchange takes place:

Lady Beside Me: Turn off your cell phone!
Lady Behind Me: That's what I'm tryin' to do. You wanna turn it off for me?!?!
Beside: Eat your buttons!
Behind: Why don't you eat my buttons?
Beside: Drop dead!

To which there is no comeback. But seriously, "Eat your button!"? What kind of comeback is that? The best part is that the lady beside me hated Hemispheres.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Erich Maria Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Front may very well be the greatest war novel of all time, as the dust jacket proudly proclaimed. It was remarkably moving, well-written, funny...all those things a great book should be. Written from the perspective of a German--the "enemy"--you realize life is life, regardless of sides. The books that have made me cry can be counted on one hand and this one made me weep quite bitterly at the end.

Favorite quote: In himself man is essentially a beast, only he butters it over like a slice of bread with a little decorum.

Where do these people come from?

I dreamt I was in love with Lance Armstrong but...he was in love with my mother! She cared not a fig for him.

Grrrrrr...

I'm not in a good mood today. It's way too busy at work; I think I'm getting an ulcer. I'm going on vacation for a wedding but all I really want to do is sit on the couch at stare at the walls for four days [no offense to my very dear friend getting married]. And then I get this work email that is just bullshit. We're all about sending out bullshit emails that don't mean anything or have anything to do with work, really, (like "there are cookies on the table" or "come see my band play") and it was the breaking point for me. What I really want to do is punch my fist through the computer screen and use the keyboard as a sledgehammer. But that would be viewed by my co-workers as "crazy" behavior. So all I can really do is delete the stupid email. But, man, did I click "delete" with all my mighty fury!

Wild(e) On!

I didn't quite finish Oscar Wilde's Complete Short Stories, but since they are just short stories, I didn't have to finish the whole thing, right? I like him; I like his writing. He is one of those historical figures I would have liked to have known personally. And I know he had a hard life, what with prison and all, but his fairy tales are quite disturbing. You think it will end pleasantly, but the then the last sentence will literally be "He died poor and alone. Everyone hated him."

Listen up children: life is hard, unfair, cruel. Worst of all is love. Whatever you do, DO NOT FALL IN LOVE! You will die alone. The end.

Favorite quote: The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else... ("The Remarkable Rocket")

Help!

Seriously, I'm so addicted to eBay. I need to join a twelve step program...

Martha, Martha, Martha

So her new show kind of sucks. I loved the old show. It was really informative and had lots of cooking, crafting, gardening. There was an occasional guest, but in a very controlled environment. And there was no fucking audience! Now that she wants to be not only popular, but liked as well, her show has gone down the crapper. Now she's more interested in entertaining us than in educationg us. If I want to be entertained I watch cartoons. If I want to be educated I watch Martha. Only not anymore. I'm quite heartbroken. At least I still have her magazine to comfort me...sniff sniff.

In my life why do I smile at people I'd much rather kick in the eye?--"Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"/The Smiths

Of all the people...

...for me to have a dream about...Bill Nighy? And he wasn't Bill Nighy, he was someone else. And I shook his hand and was very pleased to meet him. Didn't even remember the dream until I saw a picture of him in a magazine just now.

going up...throwing down...

If you're ever bored on an elevator, I've discovered a fun game. Figure out which of the people on the elevator with you, you could beat up in a bare-fisted fight. Children count. There were six in the elevator with me this morning. I think I could take three of the girls (there were two other girls and one guy I do not believe I could beat). One girl I probably could not normally beat up, but her foot was in a cast and I think that would give me the edge. Grr!

If it weren't for the fact that I view eBay as one gigantic department store (albeit, where I'm not allowed to try anything on), I prolly would have noticed that I had totally missed the Barney's Warehouse sale. I'm dead disappointed as I could have used some new shoes (Snowman would disagree, but what does he know about a girl's need for shoes?).

I'm afraid of Virginia Woolf

I gave up on To the Lighthouse. I found it quite laborious and boring to read. I'm not saying I won't try and read her again at some point; I mean, I do feel obligated to make it through one of her books. But I shall save it for my convalescence, when I've nothing but time. I've substituted her with Oscar Wilde and I'm already enjoying it a thousand times more. Who could not love a story about a happy prince, after all?

If I ever...

...have a baby, I want to watch The Golden Girls while I'm in delivery. Or Tom & Jerry. It's a toss-up. I love them both; it's not polite to have favorites.

Raise your hand if...

...you're so excited about the new fall line-up on TV! I am! I am!

eBay addict

I have to stop with the eBay! I've sold three pairs of shoes and hope to unload many more, plus a few coats, and a sewing machine. I've bought two pairs of shorts, a pair of white sandals and an insanely gorgeous tweed coat. It's not like I'm buying crap I don't need or don't think about very seriously before I bid on, but I've been trolling the site like crazy, loading up my watchlist, seeing people walk away with things for either really great prices or really shitty ones ($60 for a LAMB tank top? No thank you). It's not that I want all that stuff but the possibility of getting it in absolutely intoxicating...

Jesus' Son

I breezed through Denis Johnson's excellent Jesus' Son. I bought this book in college, but never read it, and it retrospect I have no idea why I was so hesistant. I can only chalk it up to being required reading for an absurdly early class the last semester of my senior year, thus not inclined to do much of anything. It is a complete 180 from Everything Is Illuminated and quite like a breath of beer-soaked fresh air.

Favorite quote: ....but we'd torn open our chests and shown our cowardly hearts, and you can never stay friends after something like that.

*I would just like to add that when hot-linking the title to amazon.com, I had to search for a cover that didn't make reference to the movie. I hate it when movie stars are on the covers of books that existed on their own steam prior to Hollywood. I don't want to read the movie version of a book, I want to read the book version of it, thanks.

The Nextel Yankees

Went to see the Yankees last week. They always have these little games for the crowd, up on the Jumbotron, when teams are changing positions. My favorite was the subway car race. Except instead of the D and F and the 6 racing each other it's the Dunkin' Donuts D and the Baskin Robbins F and the Coors Light 6. Really? Charging $6 for a soda, $5 for a hot dog and $8 a beer isn't making enough money? Do you really need to prostitute everything? How long before we hear "Diet Pepsi Matsui hits his third Nike ribbie and runs to Pizza Hut first base. It's a great day here in IBM Yankee Stadium--a great day, indeed, in all of Snapple New York City." Whores!

Everything Is Illuminated

I thought Everything is Illumintated would be better. Jonathan Safran Foer wrote a short article in Real Simple about having a dog when he's allergic to dogs (or something) and I thought it was an interesting, sweet article. So why not read his book? It had gotten such fantastic reviews (which should have been a caution to me: few things live up to their own hype). Foer's writing reminds me of Salman Rushdie's. Of course, Rushdie's got an excuse: he writes like Rushdie because he is Rushdie. I'm not sure what Foer's excuse is. I'm not saying the book is bad. It's not bad. It's good. It's mostly enjoyable. It's just not amazing. Which was kind of what I was led to believe.

Favorite quote: I know that it is not necessary that there be one right thing. There may be two right things. There may be no right things.

"You can't fight marketing. It's like hanging bubbles on a clothesline."--Shirley MacLaine

choo choo

Remember those hideous word problems from math class about one train leaving a station at 60 mph and another leaving an hour later at 75 mph? Or one train leaves in one direction and another leaves in a different and how far apart are they? Finally figured out how to do them. Awesome!

fun word alert

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm totally in love with the word "awesome" right now. I am also rather fond of "awesomest" as in "When Snowman buys me hot dogs, it is the awesomest."

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday marked my seven years in New York City. And it's true, I've got an itch.

A Christmas miracle...in August!

Last week I met a friend for some drinks after work and as I'm walking home from the bar I realize I've dropped the airclick remote for my iPod. Even in my quasi-drunken state I'm totally devastated. I try to retrace my steps back to the bar, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details and I don't see it on any of the streets or sidewalks. I get home and wail to Snowman about what an idiot I am and woe is me, woe is me.

The next day I see it clipped to the side of a shopping bag I had with me the night before. I'm totally overjoyed and swear this is--finally!--proof of God. But then I start to suspect Snowman had just bought a new remote without telling me, which is a sweet gesture to be sure, but I was kind of hoping for the miracle. I could use some proof of God, after all. I just didn't see how it could go from being clipped onto my skirt to being clipped onto my bag. What are the chances?

But after examing the remote and noticing all the little scratches a new one wouldn't have, and after testing it with my base unit (which wouldn't work if it was, in fact, a new remote) I'm convinced it was indeed the hand of God.

Let us all rejoice!

Never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you can actually see the baby coming out of her.--Matt Dillon

Rob Roy take 2

Remember how I thought I lost my copy of Rob Roy? Remember? Huh? Huh? I thought I left it at my parents' house and had my mom look for it and she couldn't find it, but really I just thought she was looking hard enough. But I open my suitcase last week and out tumbles...wait for it...Rob Roy! How did he get in there? Where was he hiding? Who knows. It's a blinking miracle! So, without further delay...

Favorite quote: ...do not bait your hook with too much humility; for ten to one, it will not catch a single compliment.

Riding for Two

Yesterday a woman on the subway offered me her seat. I told her I was getting off in another stop, but thank you. I coudn't understand why she offered me her seat; she didn't look more than five years old than me. Then I noticed the way my guazy dress with a high waist gathered around my stomach and how I didn't have great posture and how my arm was slung over my belly (I was holding a bottle of water in the crook of my arm). She thought I was pregnant! I wasn't offended in the least. I actually thought it was really delightful and funny.

It's a little weird because that morning when I put the dress on I thought, "You know, I could definitely still wear this if I ever get pregnant."

Use Your Illusion

How could I have been so absolutely horribly wrong? Back when I used to listen to Guns N' Roses--and I should say straight away, I only listened to them because everyone else did, not because I thought they rocked--I always thought the hottie was Duff. I mean, as a girl, I picked out the best looking dude in any band. I also picked football teams based on the hot QBs (another lapse in judgment: John Elway; as they say, there's no accounting for taste). Duff has since become a scary old man who still uses too much hair product, like all the other glam rockers of his time. I never for a second thought Izzy Stradlin was good looking. I never even looked at him long enough to consider it. But I'm doing some work today and I come smack up against his picture and he's so hot! Why didn't I ever see it before?

Robinson Crusoe

I have no idea why I ever wanted to read Robinson Crusoe, but there, I've done it. It's an interesting idea being stranded on an island, with nothing but cannibals for neighbors. This book was actually more religious than I would have guessed, but I suppose being on a deserted island will do that to a person.

Favorite quote: ...that mine was the middle state, or what might be called the upper station of low life, which he had found, by long experience, was the best state in the world—the most suited to human happiness, not exposed to the miseries and hardships, the labor and sufferings, of the mechanic part of mankind, and not embarrassed with the pride, luxury, ambition, and envy of the upper part of mankind.

Elvis or Ringo?

I've heard it said everyone is either an Elvis person or a Beatles person. Even if you don't listen to either, you still fit into one of those categories. I don't know very many Elvis people and I always thought I was definitely Beatles. But I was listening to some Elvis on my iPod the other day and I was having such a good time. I'm thinking about switching sides. Granted Elvis didn't sing a song with my name in it, but the Beatles didn't eat fried peanut butter and banana sammies either, so I guess they're even.

The Persistence of Memory

The other day my boss said to me (via IM) "I knew you were going to say that," which I find very annoying and which he has said to me before. Now we get along pretty well so I told him I didn't like it and he said I say it to him. This strikes me as odd because it's not something I say very often (and really only to Snowman). And when he proceeded to explain the circumstances under which I would say it, it sounded completely unfamiliar. I'm not saying I didn't say it, because I can't remember everything I've ever said. I'm just saying I didn't say it.

Open wide!

Angry Dolphin and I go to the same dentist (I've actually recommended many people to this dentist) and she swears she caught one of the doctors watching porn in his darkened office the other day. Hey, I'm all for porn, but unless you actually work in the porn industry, I really think you shouldn't be watching/buying/downloading porn whilst at work.

Brrr...it's July...

I just bought two coats on Overstock.com. Am I crazy?

If there's anything more fun than selling your old crapola on eBay, I don't want to know about it.

Look, no one likes human babies more than me, but even the cutest, sweetest, most adorable human baby is nowhere near as cute and sweet and adorable as the ugliest of baby penguin. I may have to move to the South Pole...

Owen Wilson recently said Rachel McAdams was one of the best actresses he's ever worked with. This from a man who has actually worked with the likes of Anjelica Huston, Blythe Danner, Barbra Streisand, Gwyneth Paltrow, Cate Blanchett...I mean, did he even see The Notebook? She sucked! If she's one of the best actresses, then I must be one of the best writers of all time.

I also did not know how to spell paraphernalia. But that is a hard word and I knew I didn't know how to spell it. But diagnose? That is lame.

I just realized whilst writing my blog I had no idea how to spell diagnose. Because I spelled it diagnos and I knew it didn't look right, but I had no idea how to fix it. I think it's weird that you go through life thinking you know something--how to spell diagnose, frinstance--and then one day you are smacked in the face with the reality that you have no freaking idea. About anything.

I can't believe I put that in my mouth...

I grew up on Maruchan instant soups and macaroni and cheese--just not at the same time. So when I spied this at the supermarket, I was understandably intrigued. Notice how the picture on the cover looks yummy and creamy. HOWEVER, when you make it at home, it turns into a truly unpalatable noodle cheese soup. It was probably the grossest thing I've eaten in a long time. I had to eat a whole bag of these, just to make the yucky taste in my mouth go away.

If you're ever in a bad mood...

...try chanting "titty bar ticket" over and over again. Doesn't matter if you don't know what it means, it's still damn funny. Or try saying "tranquiloquist" over and over again.

Haven't been posting much lately, but I've been busy studying, writing, reading the Bible...that sort of thing. The truth is, I've got a lot to do before I die and blogging isn't it.

Bono's in love with the world. He wants to embrace it. I want to punch its lights out.--Bob Geldof

The Wrong Trousers

I wore a pair of pants yesterday that I don't really like. They are nice pants, but I never feel good when I wear them. Yet every time I wear them I get loads of compliments. I will even go so far as to say that as I put them on yesterday and looked at myself in the mirror, I thought, "I should get rid of these." But then the compliments came a'flowin'. Do I really have no idea what I actually look like?

And in case you don't know what The Wrong Trousers is, you're missing out!

smell ya later, Rach

I'm absolutely giddy that Katie Holmes will not reprise her role as Rachel Dawes in the sequel to Batman Begins. Batman has always been my favorite of the superheroes and I hate to see him fall in love with a dopey girl like Katie portrayed Rachel. I think she's a marginally attractive, totally boring actress. But she has nice hands. Like Kirsten Dunst. I don't know why I'm so attracted to people's hands.

So this People article is all about celebrity bachelors. Here's what I think of their picks:

Colin Farrell: petulant child.
Jake Gyllenhaal: sigh.
Usher: really hot, but too into himself.
Orlando Bloom: best as an elf.
Jamie Foxx: immaculately groomed--to the point of obsession.
Hayden Christensen: I have a bad feeling about him...
Jesse Metcalfe: see Usher.
Wilmer Valderrama: how he's dated so many starlets is a mystery (kind of like Adam Duritz dating Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston). But if he likes CPK he must be AOK.
Mike Epps: I don't even know who this is.
Zach Braff: I love him. He is totally unattractive to me, but his insides are warm and gooey.
Ryan Seacrest: I find him repulsively into himself. Uber-Usher.
John Legend: see Mike Epps.
Owen Wilson: I've spoken of him before. Adore.
Robert Gant: see John Legend.
Dhani Jones: see Robert Gant.
Carson Daly: less of a tool than before. Something about his eyes always bugged me.
John Stamos: have mercy.

I heart Jake Gyllenhaal--part 2

According to this week's edition of People--yes, I know, hardly the most accurate place for information--Jake is currently reading Salt: A History of the World. I so love him. And I so hate Kirsten Dunst. Not for being his on/off girlfriend but because I really think she's a shit actress.

Hi, my life is meaningless.

This woman at work just walked around and asked everyone in the office if a print out belonged to them. You know how when you print out something from a website a lot of times the content prints out on one page and the ads print out on another page? This was one of the ad pages. I mean, she's a nice lady, but seriously, get a life.

Tapioca...not so groddy

I've never had tapioca pudding. I'm pretty fearless when it comes to food, but tapioca pudding looks like bugs to me and I just can't get past it. As I had long built up this fear/hate of tapioca, when they started showing up in Asian tea drinks, I thought "gross." Plus you had to drink them with those gigantic straws, which also seemed unappealing.

But this last weekend I was out with a friend and felt sufficiently encouraged to try the peach iced tea with tapioca beads from St. Alp's. It was definitely hard getting used to the straw and sucking up solids with your tea, but the more I drank and chewed, the more I dug it. I'm converted.

I mean, the pudding still gives me the willies, but I might still try it some day. Oh, and if you have no idea what tapioca is made out of, as I did, go here.

I heart Jake Gyllenhaal

No laundry list of all the reasons he turns me into a gushing teenager, but I so love this boy.

My name in lights

Even though I have a straightforward-sounding job--photo researcher--no one ever knows what that means. Why should they? It's not a very common job, you never hear about it in the news or in movies, and I'm probably the only one that my friends will ever know. But, blimey, we just got a mention on the 6/62005 issue of TIME in an article about how fat and lazy Americans are: Even a low impact job like research librarian no longer involves much reaching, bending and pulling tomes from the stacks--not when you can let your fingers do the walking on the keyboard.

Okay, so I'm not technically a research librarian anymore, but I still feel like now I actually exist, where as before I was just a phantom...

Rob Roy-rific

I FINALLY finished Rob Roy! All's it took was one night at my parent's house with nothing to do to push me across the finish line. I suppose the book was all right, but the Scottish dialect really sucked ass. And the fact that Rob Roy showed up in the middle and thereafter returned only sporadically made me feel a little mislead. Though I suppose a book called Francis Obaldistone just wouldn't move as many copies.

FAVORITE QUOTE: Ai! I can't find my copy of the book, so I can't give a favorite. So sad...

The wedding that wasn't...

Florida was absurdly rainy. Just like last year when Snowman and I went to Savannah. But Disney's not so bad in the rain--better than Disney in the blistering heat anyway. Plus we got in for free. Snowman and I played mini golf--also like Savannah--and it was so crowded and he beat me by two strokes. We went to downtown Disney and played at the Legoland play place. As I was carefully constructing my abstract art masterpiece (which one boy told me looked like something out of Star Wars) a little British girl informed me I had taken "all the best bricks" at which point I had to stop or else look like a big bully. I also had to drive 350 miles ALL BY MYSELF to Macon, Georgia. It took me 5.5 hrs. with two short stops (I'm not bragging, but it took Angry Dolphin 9 hrs. to make the same drive in April). I hate driving. My brother, Wang Chung, and his wife LTG and I went to Stone Mountain, which may not be the most creative name, but is certainly descriptive as it was literally a giant stone mountain. We hiked to the top and, boy, was it hot, but I made it up okay. We had Dippin' Dots when we went to the top and they were sooo good. I'd never had them before. Only come to find out, they weren't really Dippin' Dots. They were Mini Melts and I kind of felt gyped of the whole Dippin' Dots experience. Then we ate crappy Italian for dinner. I had spaghetti and meatballs, Wang Chung had some groddy baked ziti (so not our Uncle's) and LTG had what she called "an eggplant boat." Then we went home and made peach cobbler with premaid biscuits that we cut into little hearts. It wasn't bad, but I had a tummy ache by then from all the Laffy Taffy. [What do you call a tire's dad? Poppa Wheelie.] When LTG took a shower (Wang Chung did not take a shower and that is gross, even for me because we were sweaty and disgusting after the mountain of stone) Wang Chung poured all the freezing cold cooler water on her. It feels good to laugh at other people's expense. The next day I drove to Atlanta and flew home and now here I am.

Why do friends and family--who supposedly have nothing but my best interests at heart--insist on the propogation of fear through email? And why do they think that I am so irrational and easily swayed that such an email would actually alter my life in any way?

I'm just a girl trying to figure out her life. I'm trying to find a purpose. I'm trying to eat well and exercise and read books and have new experiences. I'm trying to have good relationships with people and with myself. I'm trying to be kind to other people, even when they are unkind to me. I'm trying to expand my horizons. I'm tyring to find some peace.

I do not want to worry about contracting Leptospirosis from ingesting dried up rat urine from a soda can. I do not want to worry about stepping on a crack and breaking my mother's back. I do not want to worry about catching a cold if I go outside with wet hair. I do not want to worry about going blind if I read in the twilight. And as much as I do not want to die, I do not want to worry about dying.

So please, stop sending me your paranoid bullshit emails.

I said to God the other night, halfway between waking and dreaming, "If you believe in me, I'll believe in you." But the next day I read a piece (in Playboy--the articles really are good) on the Big Bang Theory and the end of the universe and now I'm convinced I was talking to myself.

Factorials are hot!

I saw two people falling in love over mathematics at the coffee shop yesterday. If you can love someone through logarithms, you can love them through anything.

Muppet Personality Quiz

I love internet quizzes. Try this one to figure out which muppet you're most like.

I am most like kermit:

Kermit is the down-to-earth, regular everyman (or in this case everyfrog). You're energetic, enthusiastic and everyone likes you! Sometimes, you get frustrated with your friends and with life's little irritations, but most of the time you are happy and ready to take on the world.

I scored a 77 mood and a 65 energy.

I must now look for a quiz on which cheese I most resemble...

Never much cared for Alicia Keyes (I like her music fine, but she, herself, seems to be trying a little too hard) but then she said this about what she likes to order from room service: "Cream of Wheat with brown sugar and some butter. It's like oatmeal without the lumps." I love Cream of Wheat with sugar and butter! And I hate oatmeal! Suddenly, I'm a little bit in love with her...

LOL

I hate LOL. I really hate it. No one ever says "laugh out loud" in actual conversation, so why I am cursed with LOLs all day in AIM and email? In fact, it's a stupid phrase because one might argue that laughter must be aloud to be considered laughter at all. Laughter on the inside is, well, nothing.

My 5th grade reading class was playing a spelling game yesterday. They were put onto three separate teams and each team thought "retart" was a word, as in "Don't do it like that, you retart."

I used the phrase "cheesy ass crap job" in a recent email. Now that I think about it, this is a great name for something. For what, I don't know. I'm open to any suggestions.

The lack of deliberate action doesn't rule out blame attributable to negligence, imprudence or even simple incompentence.--Silvio Berlusconi

Celeb break-ups

Angry Dolphin and I are still waiting for one of our chosen Hollywood couples to bite the dust. In the meantime I've swapped out Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze Jr. for Renee Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney (I know! I'm just as shocked as you are).

I got an email from Yul Brynner's son at work. Does anyone else think that's cool? I totally crushed on Yul in The King and I. It's not every man can wear silk PJs and still look good.

I'm sad like Eeyore today.

I could tell you about myself, but it would be a waste of time. I'm just going to lie.--Sweet Charity

The Last Samurai

I really resisted watching The Last Samurai. They kept showing the clip of Tom Cruise in his warrior armor and I thought, "Puh-leeze. I can't picture Tom Cruise in any movie that takes place before 1975." But I saw it last night and it was really quite good. It was very beautiful and tragic. I told Snowman I didn't want to watch the last half hour because I saw the end coming even before it came and I couldn't stand to watch it. But I did watch it and I cried and would have cried even more if I was by myself. It's been a long time since I cried watching a movie (and I've seen both Finding Neverland and Million Dollar Baby). Guess I'm not dead inside after all.

Who knew the Ponderosa was so fashionable?

I've been falling in love with TVLand recently. It's currently replacing Food Network as my go-to channel when there's nothing else on and I need to be entertained. There was a Bonanza marathon on last weekend. I'd never seen Bonanza before (and only recently saw an episode of Gunsmoke (and wowee is that Matt Dillon dreamy!)) but I was immediately digging Little Joe's green jacket, black gloves and skinny pants. And how tickled was I when an evil politico stuffed a dead body into a steamer trunk that happened to be a Louis Vuitton steamer trunk! Sweet!

It's always a good day when someone compliments your shoes.

casting call

Maybe my real calling is as a casting agent since I love thinking about which actors could play whom in biopics and whatnot. Now, come to find out, Jean Reno has been tapped to play Bezu Fache in the movie adaptation of The Da Vinci Code. When I read books I tend to imagine famous people in all the roles as it gives me a concrete idea of what all the characters look like. When I read TDVC a few years ago, who did I imagine as Bezu Fache? Why Jean Reno of course! I'm sure this is actually because he played a cop in French Kiss so it was in my head already.

Coincindentally, as I'm finishing up Rob Roy, I naturally assume Rob Roy looks like Liam Neeson, considering he was in the movie (which I haven't seen). Francis Obaldistone is played by Greg Wise from his dashing Sense & Sensibility days and Andrew Fairservice looks exactly like Groundskeeper Willie, yellow skin and all. I can't help it! I hear "Scottish groundskeeper," what else am I supposed to think?

One of my fifth graders wrote about how she was going to Canada this summer. She called it the most exciting place in the world. I can only conclude she has never actually been to Canada.

What's YOUR email #?

My mother called and asked for my email number and was then shocked that it didn't have any actual numbers in it. You can't imagine how difficult it was to explain what the @ symbol was over the phone. If I ever receive an email from the person she was handing that to, I will fall down from shock.

In my secret heart I've always wanted to be more punk (by more I really mean any at all, because I'm pretty unpunk at the moment). This is why I cancelled by Banana Republic card. This is why I got my hair cut and colored at a hip salon. But the truth is, I'm still wearing a button-down shirt underneath a V-neck sweater. I'm still going home to my West Elm bed and Pottery Barn sheets. I'm still TiVO-ing Martha Stewart. Should I just fess up to who I really am or can I still change?

Today is a good day

Today is a good day in the city. 70 degrees? Fuck yeah. It's been too long.

AND, as if that weren't enough, ever since I started going to the gym--sometime back in the fall--I'd set a goal for myself on the cardio machines to burn 200 calories in 20 minutes. I know this would be easiest on the treadmill, but unless there's a rhino charging me, I'm not really into running. On the exercise bike, I was topping out at 140, so I switched to the elliptical trainer. Yesterday I eked out 201 calories in 20 minutes! Yeah! Much rejoicing.

biopic #2

I have no idea what kind of life Peter Ustinov lead, nor have I seen any of his films (though I must say, I'm very interested in One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing, for the title alone). BUT if someone wanted to do a biopic on him, may I suggest Philip Seymour Hoffman? Of course, he could only really play the older, plumper Ustinov. Someone else would have to do the young stuff, perhaps Zach Braff. They have the same lips and hair.

Can't quite explain it, but I hate it when people bring me the things I've printed out or faxes to my desk at work. Everybody does this. I never do this. I think it's just poeple sticking their noses where they don't belong. I mean, I know where the printer is and I'll get my papers when I frickin feel like it. If it were an emergency, I would get them quickly. Otherwise, why don't you just leave them where you found them?

SOS

I hated SOS pads when I was growing up--I guess because I associated it with doing the dishes. But I just used one again for the first time in years and I am amazed at how easily it cleans burnt potato off of a roasting dish. Now I LOVE SOS pads!

Murphy's Law

Snowman didn't come out for the elephants last night. As I'm getting ready, I'm not even considering the possibility of running in to someone I know at midnight on a Tuesday. But of course I do. I run into a guy I briefly dated many years ago and it's not like he's one of Those (i.e. someone you once dated whom you want to see again whilst looking fabulous and living fabulously and acting completely indifferent to, leaving him in the wake of your fabulosity thinking, "Why did I ever let her go?"), but still...I mean I'm wearing white sneakers, brown cords, a blue sweatshirt I've had since high school, a leather jacket and old baseball cap. I looked like I just came in from gardening...or robbing a liquor store. C'mon! Not even any lip gloss! What the frick?

The best minute of the year...

...was last night when the elephants came out of the Midtown tunnel and walked across 34th Street. Utter, complete joyfulness...

Duke of Windsor biopic

Biopics are so hot right now, someone really ought to jump on this. I've found a perfect mate for Jude Law's Duke: Laura Linney as Wallis Simpson. They both have the same sort of face. And Linney is quite versatile.

We've all done it. Drive-through fast food is the grease that keeps America's wheels spinning. It's speedy and easy and nobody makes a French fry like a clown.--Southern Living

FUN WORD ALERT!

I've always been fond of "Hawaiian." Not only is it fun to write in cursive, but it also has 4 vowels in a row! That doesn't happen very often...

I so dig Owen Wilson. He is so unbelievably charming on screen, I could watch him staple papers for two hours.

I un-heart the MTA

I'm so over the MTA! I used to be a very patient, understanding commuter, but they've really brought out my gnarly side. The other day I accidentally used my unlimited metrocard on the uptown side of the 6 instead of the downtown. This was one of those stations that you can't get to the other side without exiting and re-entering. Of course an unlimited card only works every 18 minutes (I find that very arbitrary, though I'm sure they conducted loads of research to come up with that number) so I explained my situation to the station attendant. She was so high and mighty! "Let this be a lesson to you...imuna cut you a break...next time you won't be so lucky..." And the worst part is that I said "thank you" after she let me in. I mean I said thank you because I have manners, but what I really wanted to do was punch her lights out. Maybe she did me a favor, but she did it with such meanness I should have just paid the $2.

Also on my list: I watch NY1 in the morning for the weather and the rail and road report. Today they reported no delays on mass transit. Yet when I get to the 6 train I find it is not running in either direction. I mean, maybe I'm persnickety, but I kind of consider that a delay!

Snowman and michellephant turned 4 last week.

One of my favorite pasttimes is figuring out which actors could play which other notables in biopics about said notable. My latest idea is Jude Law as the Duke of Windsor. I actually can't believe someone hasn't made this movie already as his life was quite scandalous at times. Anyway, Jude has the Duke's smile down pat. Plus, I must say, the Duke of Windsor was probably the best-dressed man I've ever seen.

Kurt Godel said that if time travel was possible time was impossible. If you could travel to the past then the past hadn't truly passed. I'm really fascinated by time travel...I believe, in some way, it will help me figure out if God really does exist or not. But it totally hurts my head.

On the other hand, one of my writing students wrote about how he is afraid of ghosts and phantoms and that is one of the things he likes least about himself. I really find this unbearably sweet. And one of my other kids wrote about how he gets bullied a little bit and I guess most kids go through that, but I just don't think I could stand it if my kid got bullied. I don't think I could stand it so much it makes me not want to have kids. My kid being a bully? That I could stand...but only a little bit more.

One of my 4th graders told me to fuck off. Ah, the sweet rewards of teaching...

Angry Dolphin called me all gloating because Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced (Denise must have caught Charlie doing something to file for divorce whilst pregnant) and she picked them as one of her couples and now I owe her a movie. Only it turns out she picked them at first, but I talked her out of it so she went with Julia Roberts and Danny Moder. Who's gloating now? It's not the Angry Dolphin!

Plus, I won the Oscar pool at work. I knew I could be a productive member of society, I knew it!

Food For Thought

Went to seminar at Museum of TV & Radio yesterday called Edible Airwaves regarding Food Network. Moderator was Vogue food critic Jeffrey Steingarten, who was the oddest, crankiest little man ever and whom I believe must have a led a very interesting life to get to be such a way. I didn't really like him, yet I was strangely fascinated, kind of like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Alton Brown raised a good point when asked about showing a giant live fish on TV that was inevitably headed to the chopping block. He said a lot of cooks can't stand to kill cows or pigs or anything else they cook with and don't think they should have to, but he disagrees. He believes we must reckon with our place on the food chain and see ourselves for what we are. I think he's right. Do I want to see a pig get bled? Almost less than anything, but, man, I sure have eaten a lot of bacon. I feel like I owe it to the pigs and to myself to fully realize that for which I am responsible. No other animal in existence is so far removed from hunting it's own food. It seems hypocritical, ignorant and morally vain to be squeamish about the slaughter of these animals, but then get giddy over Beef Wellington. Humans love to forget that, above all else, we are just animals. I'm not saying I'm going to seek out an experience, but if someone were offering one, well, you know where to find me.