Prostitution Count in Hollywood: Pretty High

What is will all the celebrity shilling? Are they not satisfied with being overpaid on screen? Does $10M a picture NOT cover the bills? It seems like no one cares about having a reputation anymore. Dignity? What the hell is that? They only care about having their face in as many places as possible.

Like InStyle.

The April 2006 issue (with Rebecca Romijn on the cover) (she's got a new TV show coming out, after all!) contains 31 celebrity endorsements.

Here's the rundown:

Sasha Cohen for Citizen watches: This is no way makes me want to buy a watch, especially the über-tacky charm bracelet one that's pictured in the ad. C-

Jennifer Love Hewitt for Hanes: I loathe these ads. They make Hewitt look like a tranvestite. (Oh, btw, she's called Jennifer Love in the ads.) F

Colin Mochrie for Nabisco: He's rather unattractive, which I believe breaks the cardinal rule of celebrity shilling. But I do like the snack packs and he's kind of funny. C+

Courteney Cox for Kinerase: I don't know what this product is or does and I do not care. C

Serena Williams for Spongebob Squarepants: You think I'm kidding, but she is seriously in an ad for a cartoon. C-

Charlize Theron for Christian Dior J'Adore: She looks like a frosty bitch. Not interested in smelling like one. C

Carrie Underwood for Skechers: As a B-lister, this ad is at the right level of sponsorship. She is sitting on the floor with a gaggle of lab puppies (coincidentally, labs are the B-listers of the puppy world; everyone knows golden retrievers are the cutest). C+

Halle Berry for Revlon: Revlon dumped some serious coin on this issue. There are beaucoup ads. This one is simple and attractive. B

Gwyneth Paltrow for Damiani: She has weird eye make-up on, but otherwise a clean, pretty ad. B

Hilary Duff for Candies Foundation PSA: Every celeb knows the way to goodwill is to do a PSA. A simple black and white picture does the trick. I WILL do everything I can to prevent teen pregnancy. Thanks for the tip, Hilary! B+

Samaire Armstrong, Ciara, Hilary Duff, and Michelle Trachtenberg for Candies at Kohl's: Yup, when one starlet isn't enough, you get four! Four girls who normally wear D&G and Prada are now dressed up in clothes from Kohl. Puh-leaze. D

Eva Mendes for Revlon: Not as pleasing as Berry's ad. B-

Kate Winslet for American Express: I like these ads. I'm tired of seeing the same ones everywhere, but I still like them. A

Ellen DeGeneres for American Express: see above. A-

Mischa Barton for Keds: I don't like these ads because I don't buy Barton as an "everygirl" who sits on a stack of watermelons in her Keds skimmers. C+

Kate Bosworth for Revlon: She's pretty enough to pull off a make-up advert, but not famous enough to really make it work. B-

Rachel Weisz for Burberry: Not a big fan of the photo montage tack, but Weisz looks lovely. A-

Gwyneth Paltrow for Estée Lauder Pleasures: That whore! Two ads! She looks rosier in this one. B+

Uma Thurman for Tag Heuer: Simple, unfussy. Nice. A

Julie Bowen for Neutrogena: Scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren't they? This ad is lifeless. C-

Queen Latifah for Cover Girl: She looks nice, but can't compete with the Revlon juggernaut. B

Halle Berry for Versace: Another trollop! She looks hot. A

Andie MacDowell for L'Oreal: Back to her modelling roots! Literally...it's an ad for hair color. B-

Mary Kate and Asley Olsen for Badgley Mischka: Not bad. I don't really buy them as refined society people, but I DO buy them as rich girls in fancy clothes who pass out in a druggy haze only to wake up the next morning with vomit on their $10K dresses. Oops. A-

Ashley Judd for American Beauty at Kohl's: Ashley wants us to think she's a simple country girl who shops at Kohl's and wears $20 perfume. I don't buy it. C

Charlize Theron for Aldo fights AIDS PSA: She looks good and there is a big piece of duct tape over her mouth which seems appealing. A

Naomi Watts for David Yurman: I think these ads would benefit by being in color instead of black and white. But still a decent ad. If I could afford it, I'd buy Yurman. A-

I'll post again if I come across a magazine with more than 31 celebrity advertisements. Could be any day now...

Cheerleader Nation

Here are some snippets from actual conversations Snowman and I had while watching Cheerleader Nation:

Snowman: I don't want a daughter.
Michellephant: Oh, I'm totally praying for boys.

***

M: I just don't think I can have a teenager.
S: Maybe they'll die at 12.

***

M: Hey, I fixed the pen.
S: The Viagra one?
M: Uh huh.

***

[Guess who said this]: Fuck you! You don't fucking have a fucking clue! The rules are fucking simple! You don't make the team if you can't do a back handspring!


That's right, it was Snowman.

Sucking at the Teat of a Passive Agressive Life

Although I work for a certain company, I actually work in a separate building from everyone else (a complicated story involving mergers, SEC rulings, and a night in Thailand I'm not at liberty to discuss) so I don't have regular face-to-face interactions with most of my colleagues. Thus, when I do see them in the flesh, it is a slightly awkward experience for all involved. I'm not super chummy and they don't really know who I am so after the "Hey, how's it going?" we have nothing to say, although we somehow feel we should continue this socially painful interaction further with something completely meaningless like "Nice weather, huh?" or "Any big plans this weekend?" [And if I say, "No, not really" they feel like they need to validate me: "Oh, well, sometimes it's nice to just relax," as if I cared what they thought of my weekend] Really, I just want to go away, I want them to go away, I want neither of to ever meet face-to-face again. But this is not to be.

One woman was supposed to give me a copy of a book I had done some work on. In October. I actually got the book from someone else (unbeknownst to this woman), but every time I see this woman she says, "Oh, I need to get you that book." I say something noncommital like, "Okay, whenever" and she says something proactive like "I promise you'll get it. You WILL get it."

I am pretty sure I will never get it.

One man—my boss' boss—used to say every time we saw each other, "I really need to come visit your office." He had said this to me about twenty times over the course of a year. He redeemed himself only once by saying, "Every time I see you, I say 'I need to visit you.'"

Needless to say, he has never visited.

I don't really care about either of these things too much, but to these people, they obviously mean something important, something to do. Why don't they just shut up and do them? Why doesn't the woman just give me the book so we can go back to the awkward conversations about my lame weekends? Why doesn't the man just come visit so we can stop speaking to each other altogether?

I told a friend I would burn a CD of the cheesy music we used to listen to in high school. She said she would do the same for me. We have neither of us done this, though I am constantly thinking, "Man, I should really make that damn thing." Why don't I just do it?

Because, oddly, discomfort is soothing. Anger is cozy. Depression is a nuk. When we shed our skins, not matter how rotten they are, we're naked. And when you finally do the thing you always said you were going to do, you lose the possibility of doing it. You lose the power you had over the person who was waiting for that thing to be done (however slight, however imagined).

I think, perhaps, I will never make that CD for my faraway friend. Then, on my deathbed, I'll whisper into my grown-up child's ear: Roxette.

Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

I feel like I should open this post with a joke:

Q: What do you call Dolly Parton in a bathtub?

A: Islands in the Stream.

But seriously, I love Dolly. She's her own person. She seems nice and funny and charming. She doesn't put on airs about who she is or what she does to herself (she even calls herself a dog-and-pony show). I like 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias an awful lot. I've already informed Snowman numerous times that if we ever go to Tennessee, we will be stopping at Dollywood hell or highwater. I wanted her to win the Oscar. I used to watch her variety show. There was a skit where she was a waitress at a truck stop. A teenager was there, looking to catch a ride with a driver somewhere. She finds a ride and as the driver's about to leave, Dolly says to him, "Drive carefully. You're carrying the most important cargo: young dreams." Wow.

And just when I thought I couldn't like her anymore she says the following: One of my dreams is to have my own line of frozen foods.

Anyone who dreams of owning a line of frozen food is aces in my book.

PS-March is National Frozen Food Month. For real. I used to work in a grocery store, so I know this to be true, but if you don't believe me, go here.

OSCARS recap

You know some people say the only thing people are interested in anymore, as far as the Oscars are concerned, are the clothes. How superficial. What's really important are the awards. Well, I say phooey on you. The awards aren't really very important either. What do I really care if a movie—which, sure, I liked well enough—wins an award? Wins a thousand awards? Basically, I don't know anyone affiliated with this movie from the director straight on down to the catering service, and whether or not this movie wins in no way affects my enjoyment of said film. These awards are basically a circle jerk for Hollywood power players who use their newfound status as "Academy Award winners" to get bigger paychecks and more caché. So why not fixate on fashion? It's at least as important as anything else that happens that night.

On another note, I've decided to do away with gender division. The people are clamoring for equality (it's actually more out of my own laziness, but whatev)! I'm just going to list everyone straight up "best dressed" and "worst dressed."

BEST DRESSED:

Will Smith looked superfine in his pinstripes and velvet vest. Points off for the double diamond studs (ditto for Ludacris and Jamie Foxx) which I think is, well, gay.



George Clooney also looked dreamy in his bespoke Armani tux. Love the tuxedo stripe on the pants, a tradition which seems long forgotten (but maybe I'm just not going to enough black tie events).



My two favorite ladies were Sandra Bullock, who wore a gorgeous navy blue Angel Sanchez frock with pockets (I love dresses with pockets—very 50's),



and Michelle Williams who wore a wonderful marigold-colored Vera Wang confection which looked fantastic with her red lipstick.



Heidi Klum also gets points for her lovely flowy ice blue dress. Heidi's fashion sense is always questionable, so it's nice to see her looking so classy.



WORST DRESSED:

Tim Burton. Not really shocking.

Graydon Carter, who wore an inexplicable pair of blue plaid pants with a tuxedo jacket. I'm sure he was just trying to be "different" but it's his party! He should look like the host, not the little kid who stayed up past his bedtime.



I have to call out Felicity Huffman in a Zac Posen dress, who looked great from the neck up and the waist down, but she is in her mid-40's and I just think side boob cleavage is reserved for those much younger (and even then I have my reservations). I mean, I get it—she was just in a movie about a man who wanted to be a woman and she is also the frumpiest of the housewives, but c'mon, lady, act your age.



Bahar Soomekh almost gets it right. The color of her Calvin Klein dress is great, but the drooping v-neck and lack of, erm, support, are not doing her figure any favors.



Ziyi Zhang is gorgeous and usually looks great, but I hate this Armani dress on her. She has the opposite problem of Huffman: she wants to grow up too fast. I call it Mena Suvari Syndrome (remember when she wore that matronly Escada gown to the Oscars?). Zhang should be wearing something fun and youthful and this dress is just too...old.



Lauren Hutton. I can't explain.



Regina King. It looks like she bought this dress three months ago and thought, "I'll lose weight to get into this thing" and then never did. As they say in the biz (the grocery store biz) "Trying to fit ten pounds of potatoes into an eight-pound sack."



BEST PLUS ONES:

Les Moonves' wife, TV personality Julie Chen, looks smokin' hot in this red number.



Rupert Murdoch's wife, Wendy Deng, also looks fantastic.



I love these stuffed penguins. Maybe a little hokey, but fun. If I were actually at the Oscars, I would have tried to steal one.



WORST PLUS ONES:

Easily Martin Landau's date, Gretchen Becker. Yikes! The embroidered dress is bad enough, but those boots!



I actually found the clothes this year rather pedestrian. It seems like the more outlandish outfits now happen at the Vanity Fair party.

PS-Why was Terrence Howard wearing a brooch? I can't think of a possible circumstance in which it is okay for a man to wear a brooch.