You Can Quote Me...

I like quotes. Much like lists, in a world over-saturated with information, quotes seem like a good way to parse things out. One of my favorites is credited to Dame Julian of Norwich, a 14th century mistic: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

I also like to compile quotes from the books I read. I don't necessarily think putting a "favorite quote" at the end of my book reviews in MICHELLEPHANT READS BOOKS necessarily captures all the nuances of what I've read, but I think it gives someone who has not read the book a decent idea as to the general tone.

I think a lot of times people are quoted out of context and I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. And I have thus far not posted anything even remotely political because I find arguing rather boring. But, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this dude?

I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5-lb. perch in my lake.--George W. Bush, answering a German newspaper reporter who asked him to name the best moment of his five years as president. (taken from from TIME 5/22/06)

All I have learned about life can be summed up in three words: it goes on.

—Robert Frost

O, Magical Internet, What Else Will I Learn From You?

We've all gotten those emails. Now think for a minute and try to anticipate which type of emails I'm actually talking about. Spam? Chain letters promising $2500 from Mr. Bill Gates himself sent from a lawyer who "knows" what she's talking about? Jokes with rudimentary animation, usually involving a middle-aged fat man dropping his pants? No. No. No.

I'm actually talking about those personal quizzes that get passed around like mono on prom night. I like the quizzes. I try not to forward them too much, because I consider email a legitimate form of communication and not a means by which to make my friends dread hearing from me. But I like them nonetheless. Why? Because I like to believe it matters to someone other than myself and the CEO of General Mills what I had for breakfast this morning (yogurt burst Cheerios, FYI). Because like this very blog, I want proof of my existence. Not just for others to have proof I existed, but proof for myself. Maybe in a few days I won't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but if I look at that old email, I'll remember those Cheerios and picture myself sitting on the couch in my strawberry patch-patterned PJs, watching NY1 (hi, Pat!), trying to figure out how to get out of going to work. Good times.

I got an unusual quiz the other day. It was one where instead of filling out information about yourself, you fill out information about the person who sent it to you. I can't believe I've never seen this before, because I feel like if there is a forward out there, it will inevitably make it into my inbox. This quiz wasn't all that interesting. They didn't ask very probing questions and the questions they did ask like "What was the first thing I said to you?" just don't apply when you've known someone for ten years and can't even remember the last thing they said to you.

There are two things I found out from this quiz. One is that if I were on a deserted island with anyone who knows me I am expected to either craft the hell out of it with rubber stamps and diecuts or else bring the Cheetos.

The other thing involves this question: Are you rebel or do you follow the rules? Most of my friends said I followed the rules, but my cousin said I absolutely did NOT follow the rules. So who's right?

I guess it depends what the rules are.

I follow the rules:

• I don't litter.


• Or smoke.


• Or drink much.


• Or do any kind of drugs.


• I don't speed when I drive.


• I actually use the library and return my books on time. If I don't, I pay the ten cent fine.


• I floss.


• I don't like to sleep on my left side because I hear it's bad for your heart.


• I don't use my teeth to open bottles.


• I recycle.

I don't follow the rules:

• I don't believe in God (I'd like to, but I'm honest enough with myself to admit I'm highly suspicious).


• I have more stuffed animals now than when I was twelve. I talk to them. They talk back.


• I think voting for the president is more important than voting for the next American Idol.


• I eat potato chips for dinner.


• I shower as little as possible and wash my hair even less.


• I don't care if my boyfriend goes to strip clubs, looks at porn, or reads Playboy (not that he does any of those things)


• I play with my food.


• I go to fancy restaurants, take off my shoes, and tuck my feet under my butt.


• I want to name my first born Tristmegistus. Or Newly.

I think in the end it's relative. Literally. My family—sure they have their psychotic moments, but for the most part, they're pretty normal. So to them, I appear odd. Whereas most of my friends are of the free-thinking, creative variety and to them, I appear un-odd.

I suppose, really, it's nice to be both. Isn't that right, Pippo?

Why, yass, that is certainly correct.

The Secret Behind Olive Garden's Meat Lasagna

ORPHAN: Hi.

OLIVE GARDEN HOST: Oh. Yes?

O: Do you have a family for me?

OGH: Excuse me?

O: A family. I need a family.

OGH: I don't know what you're talking about. Look, we don't serve homeless people here.

O: But your ad says "When you're here, you're family." I need a family.

OGH: It's just an ad. It doesn't mean anything.

O: What happened to truth in advertising?

OGH: Look, you need to leave or I'm going to call the police.

O: Try it. I've got Angelina Jolie on speed dial. Now either you get me a family or I will unleash a PR campaign against this company, from which you will not recover. Imagine this splashed across the pages of People: "Angelina Jolie boycotts Olive Garden for unfair advertising and discrimination against the parentless."

OGH: Just a minute. [speaks into headset] Is Todd Sweeney around? Okay, thanks. [to the orpan] Someone will be with you shortly, if you'd like to take a seat.

O: That's what I thought.

[After a few moments, a man in a suit comes into the lobby.]

Todd Sweeney: Hello, Orphan. I'm the manager of this establishment. You would be so kind as to come with me?

O: Am I getting a family?

TS: You certainly are. We stand behind our campaign 100%. We promised that when you came here you'd be family, and family you are.

O: Finally! A chance to be loved!

[Sweeney leads Orphan to the back kitchen, chatting amiably the whole time about all the wonderful things the Orphan will be able to do with his new family like go to Disney, play catch, and have birthday parties. Orphan tears up a little.]

TS: They're just around this corner. And they're so excited to meet you!

[Orphan turns the corner, where an ax-wielding sous chef quickly chops off his head.]

TS: Grind him up.


Olive Garden: When You're Here, You're Family. Unless You're An Orphan. Then You're Lasagna.

The Day the Music Died.

When we're not spending all our free time writing in our blogs, reading other people's blogs, posting comments on blogs, posting comments to comments on blogs, looking at site traffic for our blogs, well, that's when we do worthwhile things like cure cancer, come up with alternative fuel sources, and make really delicious meals for the homeless.

Syke!

We talk about our blogs on gmail chat. This is a recent conversation I had with my lovely friend at Vinyl Edition when the blogger site was down (edited for clarity (his parts, not mine)):

Vinyl Edition:
a - why is my blog dead?
b - why does it feel like my child has died?
c - when will this be fixed?
d - can't they post some "Blog Down" page instead of showing a half-naked HTML-exposed version?
e - hu
f - i mean hi

Michellephant: I can't get to mine either. And I know how cranky mine gets when it doesn't get the attention it wants.

VE: Right? I got to yours via my dad's cpu but I can't get to it through mine.

M: Blogger gets wonky all the time.

VE: Speaking of which let's talk about how much I love Nutter Butter.

M: It's almost not worth it to be free.

VE: You nailed it. They taste like peanuts and they're shaped like peanuts. God, I love them.

M: You know it took a long time for me to like them. Once I had a filling at the dentist and I was shot up on novocaine...

VE: Well - they say it takes a long time to like anything worth liking.

M: ...I was hungry so I ate Nutter Butters but my tongue wasn't working so I chewed the shit out of it.

VE: ha ha ha

M: I'm over it now.

VE: So good. What, oh, what will be in your top 10? My favs have all made appearances
(i think).

M: As soon as blogger starts working again I'm ready to finish it up.

VE: DAMN BLOGGER. I'm taking my business elsewhere. When I got to yours, it was undressed.

M: Yeah! Somewhere where i have to PAY. Wait, no i'm not.

VE: Only half the list came up, and there was HTML code everywhere. I felt like I was seeing you naked.

M: What a trampy blog!

VE: I clicked "close," thinking - no, no, I shouldn't be seeing this.

M: You are a decent man.

VE: Thank you. I mean I looked for a LITTLE while but then closed it.

M: Well you are a MAN, decent or not. To be expected. Is this what it's like to have a Tamagochi?

VE: I think maybe so. You panic. You go - hey! You don't know what to do like a helpless parents. This is what it's like to have a child with cancer.

M: Yes, exactly like that. If I ever have a kid with cancer, I'll say to it, "You know, this reminds me of when I had a blog..."

[deleted talk about emoticons, Gilmore Girls, Lost, cyrogenically frozen heads, and anorexic fairies]

VE: I just thought of a quick rant. You know what?

M: What?

VE: No - blogger ISN'T free. Sure, it doesn't cost us money for the "privilage" of being able to write and self-publish and be creative and get attention, BUT that shit takes time. There are millions of blogs, tons of them get HUGE traffic, Ad Sense monitors Google's overall traffic, therefore, what we have is essentially a socialist system where only the top dog gets his day. It's communism and capitalism combined and while the workers control the means of production only those at the top get paid. Done.

M: Oh of course...it's free monetarily, but costs a lot in mental energy. The top dog thing...that's the world.

VE: So I've heard. I know. I'm half-kidding. I smile as I type.

M: I'm thinking about staging a revolution.

[deleted talk about a friend we'd rather not let get out...we say good-bye]

[six minutes later]

VE: The doctors just called. Our babies are alive.

M: I know! I'm on it.

VE: Wooo hooo!!! Why the relief? Why the JOY?!

[more deleted talk about our nameless friend and how VE wants to kill said person and drink his/her blood]

VE: I think blogger died again. Nevermind. Sigh.



Jesus wept.

The end.

My Most Fabulous Day II

For those of you who don't remember, let me refresh: this year, I am keeping track of my "fabulous days" as put forth by some unknown women's magazine for my astrological sign. The first day was February 20th and I rated it on the "low end of fabulous." The next day was May 7th. Here's the recap.

• It was Sunday, so I had to tutor the eight-year olds. It was one of the better days (they were mostly well-behaved and the class went by quickly), but nobody likes working on Sunday. not fabulous


• I had a sinus headache when I got home, so I took some Benadryl, which I feel is somewhat equivalent to taking a roofie. I didn't go to sleep, but I was extremely groggy and unaware. very not fabulous


• After tutoring, I had planned on going to the park for a jog, but instead took a nap. Bad, because I didn't run, but I can't ever complain about napping. fine


• I ate an entire bag of Poppycock for dinner. fine


• I watched two of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls and Scrubs. GG has been wildly hit or miss this season, but Scrubs continues to delight. very fine


• I played Yahoo games when I couldn't fall asleep, and one of the women in the room was a teacher who kept spelling "bleeding ulcer" as "bleading ulser." I hope to God my children never have that woman as their teacher. fine


• Since Snowman was asleep and I wanted to read, I propped a flashlight on my shoulder. It made me think of camping or staying up past my bedtime when I was kid. very fine

Overall, this day gets an "okay" rating from me, which makes the score 1-1.

Next fabulous day: June 7th.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #26-1

The end of the road...

25. Nabisco Wheat Thins. Hands down, my favorite cracker. I heart salt.

24. Nabisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolately Chip). The smooth-skinned offspring of a mixed marriage.

23. Snackwells Devil's Food Cookies. I like the chewy texture and how the coating crackles when you bite into it.

22. Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (Phish Food). I love the little chocolate fish!

21. Planters Salted Cashews. The perfect combination of salty and sweet.

20. Pringles (Sour Cream and Onion). I lick off the sour cream powder and then eat the chip.

19. Combos (Pepperoni Pizza Cracker). I break them open and eat the cheese first. (Seriously, is what is wrong with me?)

18. Pepperidge Farm Flavor-Blasted Cheddar Goldfish. This powdery version is far superior to the plain ones.

17. Snickers Ice Cream Bars. One of my favorite deli treats and much tastier than real Snickers. How come the caramel doesn't freeze? It's a mystery of science...

16. Ben & Jerry's Frozen Yogurt (Half-Baked). I'm really into chewy...this ice cream has a great blend of brownies and cookie dough.

15. Hostess Fruit Pies (Cherry). This reminds me of road trips and 7-11s. Memories, misty colored memories...

14. Ruffles (Cheddar and Sour Cream). I really like orange food. Take that, Billy Bob Thornton!

13. Doritos (Nacho Cheese). The best thing to happen to a tortilla chip.

12. Munchos. Like Pringles, but greasier, crunchier, yummier.

11. Terra Red Bliss Roasted Garlic & Parmesan Potato Chips. These make your breath stink like you licked a skunk's ass, but they are so damned good.

10. Lays Potato Chips (Sour Cream and Onion). The best of the sour cream and onion family.

9. Lays Potato Chips (Cheddar and Sour Cream). Fake cheese strikes again!

8. Little Debbies Zebra Cakes. I love these because my mom would never buy them when we were kids. I peel off the outer layer, lick out all the cream, then throw the cakes away.

7. Little Debbies Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Whenever Sea Thing was in a bad mood when we lived together, I'd bring some of these home to take the edge off.

6. Girl Scout Cookies Samoas/Caramel Delites. Chewy, coconutty, caramely tastiness.

5. Doritos (Cool Ranch). When I was in high school, my lunches consisted soley of a big Hawaiian fruit punch and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

4. Planters Cheez Balls. I stick my tongue right into the blue tin and let the cheez balls adhere like velcro.

3. Fritos (Chili Cheese). A little spicy, a little cheesy, a little corn chippy.

2. Lays Classic Potato Chips. These are just simple, salty, crunchy and perfect. You cannot pass a giant bowl of these chips at a party and not stick your hand in.

1. Funyuns. These kind of tear up the roof of my mouth, but it's so worth it. I've been known to shake the crumbs out of the bag directly into my mouth.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #50-26

And so it goes...

50. Stacy's Pita Chips (Parmesan, Garlic and Herb). No need for dip!

49. Nabisco Better Cheddar Crackers. I like food that rhymes.

48. Keebler Animals Iced Cookies. Love these cinnamon-ey iced treats. I like to name them all, tell them they've been veeerrrry bad, then bite their heads off.

47. Miss Vickies Chips (Jalapeno). Dear God, I love jalapeno.

46. Little Debbie Fudge Brownies. In no way resemble the brownies you make at home, but there is something addictive about them anyway.

45. Murray Chocolate Chip Cookies. I used to put these on each finger and wave them around like jewels.

44. Nabisco Nutter Butters. Not only do they taste like peanuts, but they look like them too!

43. Cheez-Its Twisterz (Cheddar and More Cheddar). I also like to pull these apart. Basically, if I CAN play with my food, I WILL.

42. Nabisco Oreos. Classic cookie perfection.

41. Entenmann's Rich Frosted Donuts. If you refrigerate them, the bottom gets wonderfully crunchy.

40. Moon Pies (Chocolate). A great gas station/roadside treat.

39. Corn Nuts (BBQ). Corn gone bad.

38. Jello-O Chocolate Vanilla Swirl Fat Free Pudding. I could go for something Jell-O.

37. Utz Onion and Garlic Potato Chips. In my mind, these are so much better than salt & vinegar.

36. Cheez-Its (White Cheddar). Mmm...powdery cheese residue on fingers...

35. Royal Dansk Butter Cookies. Nothing says Middle America like a blue tin of Danish cookies.

34. Moon Pies (Banana). Yeah for banana treats! I like to pull the cookies off and eat the marshmallow center separately.

33. Hostess Sno Balls. I can't get over how soft these are. I want to make a Sno Ball pillow.

32. Little Debbie Nutty Bars. Shocker...I like to pull the wafers apart before I eat them.

31. Haagen Dazs Ice Cream (Dulce de Leche). Caramel and vanilla? So freaking delicious.

30. Bonne Maman Raspberry Tartlets. Chewy, flaky, fruity, refined.

29. Nabisco Chips Ahoy! I have always favored Chips Ahoy! over Oreos.

28. Pepperidge Farm Dark Chocolate Chunk Nantucket Cookies. I love these crunchy cookies.

27. Pepperidge Farm Chessman Cookies. The only time I like playing chess.

26. Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts. I like to suck on them to get all the salt out. Is that weird?