ORPHAN: Hi.
OLIVE GARDEN HOST: Oh. Yes?
O: Do you have a family for me?
OGH: Excuse me?
O: A family. I need a family.
OGH: I don't know what you're talking about. Look, we don't serve homeless people here.
O: But your ad says "When you're here, you're family." I need a family.
OGH: It's just an ad. It doesn't mean anything.
O: What happened to truth in advertising?
OGH: Look, you need to leave or I'm going to call the police.
O: Try it. I've got Angelina Jolie on speed dial. Now either you get me a family or I will unleash a PR campaign against this company, from which you will not recover. Imagine this splashed across the pages of People: "Angelina Jolie boycotts Olive Garden for unfair advertising and discrimination against the parentless."
OGH: Just a minute. [speaks into headset] Is Todd Sweeney around? Okay, thanks. [to the orpan] Someone will be with you shortly, if you'd like to take a seat.
O: That's what I thought.
[After a few moments, a man in a suit comes into the lobby.]
Todd Sweeney: Hello, Orphan. I'm the manager of this establishment. You would be so kind as to come with me?
O: Am I getting a family?
TS: You certainly are. We stand behind our campaign 100%. We promised that when you came here you'd be family, and family you are.
O: Finally! A chance to be loved!
[Sweeney leads Orphan to the back kitchen, chatting amiably the whole time about all the wonderful things the Orphan will be able to do with his new family like go to Disney, play catch, and have birthday parties. Orphan tears up a little.]
TS: They're just around this corner. And they're so excited to meet you!
[Orphan turns the corner, where an ax-wielding sous chef quickly chops off his head.]
TS: Grind him up.
Olive Garden: When You're Here, You're Family. Unless You're An Orphan. Then You're Lasagna.
3 comments:
This is brilliant but disturbing. I think we need to go to the Park and have some ice cream and feed the ducks until the darkness is exorcised from your noggin.
Or not.
No wonder I like it so much.
When are we going to Olive Garden? I want to go so much more now that I know they have orphan flavored food.
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