I like to think of myself as a pretty good co-worker. I'm pretty easy going; have a good sense of humor; don't dish out much gossip (though, oddly, everyone loves to tell me their gossip...how many times have I had to act like I haven't heard something someone is telling me? Really? I had NO idea.)But there is one particular area I am woefully deficient in: dealing with grief. If your dog gets hit by a car, I can be sad as all get out in my head, but don't expect me to tell you that. When you find out you have ALS, I'll think "Man, that is really awful" but I'm not going to come around and ask you how you're feeling.
Why is this? I want to be a compassionate person (that word again!). I want to be friendly to people, even if we aren't friends. And to be honest, there aren't very many people I work with that I would consider friends. Most of them are just, well, co-workers.
There is a woman at work whose father has died. He was very old and somewhat ill so it was not too shocking. But when she came back to work, everyone gathered round her and asked how she was holding up; it must be hard on your mother; it comes at such a bad time...I mean, I don't even like saying hi to people sometimes and now I'm supposed to put a kind hand on her shoulder and ask her how she's doing? I can't. I really can't.
I know this offends people. I know feelings are hurt, but I just can't make myself do it. Some people think I'm aloof, which is partially true. Some people may even think I am unkind, but that is not true.
Here is what is true: I'm rather private (particularly so at work). I don't even like it when my boss sends out an email about how I'm out for a doctor's appointment. So if I were actually to, say, lose a parent, I would tell my boss and give him explicit instructions not to mention it to anyone. I don't want flowers or a fruit basket. I don't want cards. I don't want condolences. Even if your motives are sincere, I assure you, they are unnecessary.
Therefore, Woman Whose Dad Has Died, I will leave you alone. And I hope, that should the situation ever be reversed, you will bestow on me the same kindness.
10 comments:
Well if you're worried about seeming unkind, maybe you could slip a note on her desk... would you object to someone doing that for you should the situations be reversed?
I know this is a tricky situation, but for people who DO need the condolences and the attention, it is so gratefully received. I know when I've lost people I loved, I wouldn't have been able to make it through without those who sympathized and showed it. In fact, after Jen died, I went to work at a theater where no one knew her or even knew that I'd lost someone so important to me, and that lack of support helped me along the road to a nervous breakdown.
People are very different in their needs, especially when dealing with grief... but then again, if you're not really close to this woman, I'm sure she won't be offended.
Nice post.
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I think a note is a good idea if you feel badly not acknowledging the situation but don't want actual human interaction. When it comes to condolences, you can simply select a tasteful card and sign it - you don't even need to write anything. This way the person knows you are thinking about them, but you don't have to risk any uncomfortable interactions.
However, it's ok if you don't want to do anything at all. I get it, and I can't imagine co-worker Jane thinking "I can't believe everyone hugged me but Michelle!" She's too sad to do a head count.
I agree--a nice card is very much appreciated. Last year when my grandmother passed away I had been freelancing at a job 1 or 2 days a week for only a few months. This guy that worked there got me a card and it made me feel so comforted. Just acknowledging the hurt and the passing can help someone.
I've sent cards to people I'm closer to, but even that I do grudgingly.
Weird! You're Martha-esque in so many other ways! ha ha
I have the same uncomfortable feelings about giving condolances. Recently, a collegue of mine lost her mother. A huge meeting in a conference room was held with our department, and our VP explained the situation, and asked all 15 of us in the room to keep it private. 15 people and privacy don't mix. I work with about 250 people, and during my 6 years, 3 people have died (2 being horrible murders). I have stayed silent throughout. I have dutifully signed a card- but I have never written a personal card, never gone to a funeral, or a wake. I feel like grief is the strangest feeling in the world, and I don't like to deal with it. Grief is something that you have to dwell in, and I understand that it is necessary, but I'm not much of a dweller. I'm more apt to say- what would make you happy now- and usually it's just silence.
You're off the hook. When I had a relative in hospital recently, the phone calls, e-mails and conversations i had with colleagues were nice, but you know what? I didn't sit their plotting and making a list of people who didn't respond. People have their own lives and their own shit to deal with. On another note, I noticed on nycbloggers you're near 33rd street station. is it stroller friendly?
thanks,
a total stranger (from toronto) named josh
Tuque, I actually don't live there anymore, but it is very stroller friendly. There are loads of parents in the area, all with strollers the size of small cars.
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