Junk (Food) In My Trunk #75-51

The list continues...

75. Skinny Cow Fat Free Fudge Bars. Chocolate goodness.

74. Nabisco Fig Newtons. Not a cookie. Fruit and cake.

73. Pepperidge Farm Pirouette Cookies. Man, these are good with a steaming cup of cocoa.

72. Keebler E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies. I like to set these up like dominoes, then knock them all over.

71. Fritos (Original). Someone once said Fritos smelled like dogs. I like food that smells like dogs.

70. Ritz Crackers. I have to leave the box in the kitchen or I will eat them all at once.

69. Bahlsen HIT Cookies. I used to think these were Asian when I was a kid. But they're not.

68. Munchies (Classic). Sun Chips, Cheetos, Doritos...if only they'd get rid of the pesky pretzels.

67. Ritz Bitz Cheese Cracker Sandwiches. Fake cheese makes another appearance. I think I actually like it more than real cheese.

66. Handi-Snacks Breadsticks 'n Cheez. Another fake cheese entry...am I being predictable?

65. Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I like to unroll these, lick out all the cream, then eat the cake.

64. Pepperidge Farm Raspberry Chantilly Cookies. I love the powdered sugar that gets all over my lips.

63. Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches (Coffee). Big ice cream sandwiches that don't taste healthy at all.

62. Entenmann's Crumb Donuts. A portable version of the crumb cake I grew up on.

61. Philly Swirls Cups. Someone once said the cotton candy flavor made him mouth have an orgasm.

60. Cheetos. I remember the Moving Debacle of 2005...I had Cheetos for lunch.

59. Jax Cheese Puffs. Seriously, what's with all the fake cheese?

58. Hostess Twinkies. Can you shove a whole Twinkie in your mouth in one bite?

57. Keebler Club Crackers. A bit more buttery than Ritz.

56. Kellogg's Rice Krispies Treats. Sure they're easy to make at home, but nothing beats buying them pre-cut and wrapped up.

55. Nasbisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolate). I have Snowman hide these around the apartment. Then I eat them as I find them. I'm kidding. I NEVER do that.

54. Klondike Krunch Ice Cream Sandwiches. Square ice cream...crazy.

53. Fruit Roll-Ups (Strawberry). I think I've actually eaten the plastic on these once or twice.

52. Pringles (Original). I'm notorious for over-eating these and then getting a tummy ache. But do I learn? No.

51. Ruffles (Original). I find Ruffles to be really salty. And that is a good thing.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #100-76

My (and I emphasize the "my") Top 100 Junk Foods

Maybe I stole this idea from Vinyl Edition and maybe I didn't. Who's to say who invented the list?

Junk food is a subject near and dear to my heart. Around 6 PM my desire for carbs is at its peak. There is nothing better than coming home, kicking off my shoes, and digging into a bag of potato chips.

Before I get into the list proper, here were my arbitrary guidelines:

• Junk food means junk. No yogurt or granola bars.


• Junk food only includes food marketed as junk food. No Pop Tarts.


• Junk food must be processed.


• Junk food does not include candy. Candy is its own list.


• Junk food stands alone. Tostitos must be junky enough on their own, without queso dip.


• Junk food must acquirable in a deli or grocery store. Therefore, no DQ Blizzards.

100. Tostitos. They'd score higher if I could include dips, but I don't think that's fair to the other junk.

99. Little Debbies Apple Flips. I can't say these taste like apple, but I like their chewiness.

98. Little Debbie Fudge Rounds. I can't say these taste like fudge, but I like their chewiness.

98. Smartfood White Cheddar Cheese Popcorn. This snack may have been my first indication that popcorn came in flavors other than buttered.

96. Keebler Fudge Stripe Cookies. Growing up, these were the ultimate treat.

95. Keebler Vienna Fingers. Growing up, these were a drag. Now, though, I think they're tasty.

94. Bugles. Raise your hand if you put these on your fingers.

93. Sun Chips (Original). I've been known to eat an entire bag of these in one sitting.

92. Little Debbies Pecan Spinwheels. I liked unraveling these and eating it like a stick of gum.

91. Cracker Jacks. Would have scored higher if their prizes didn't bite the big one now.

90. Sun Chips French Onion. French Onion trumps Original, but just barely.

89. Fritos BBQ. I don't love the BBQ flavor, but it's hard to ruin a Frito.

88. Little Debbie Chocolate Chip Snack Cakes. Chocolate cake and cream filling? Sign me up.

87. Creamsicle Orange Bars. Something about the taste of orange and cream is so delicious and comforting.

86. Lance Nipchee Crackers. I love the cheese. If you peel it off the cracker, it actually disintegrates into powder.

85. Girl Scout Thin Mints. Must freeze.

84. Honeymaid Graham Crackers (Chocolate). You can almost trick yourself into believing these are healthy.

83. Nabisco Ginger Snaps. I like ginger. And I like things that snap.

82. Nabsico Nilla Wafers. These taste like a slightly stale security blanket.

81. Rold Gold Classic Style Pretzel Thins. Hard to beat this classic incarnation.

80. Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists. Okay, not that hard. Salty sweet perfection.

79. Nabisco Chicken In a Biscuit Crackers. I just think it's fun to say.

78. Stacy's Pita Chips (Cinnamon Sugar). Just enough sugar to make it a treat.

77. Koala March Cookies. Known as Koala Yummies in my youth. Who doesn't like chocolate-filled marsupials?

76. Nabisco Mallomars. Like a s'mores minus the skeeters.

Pay No Attention To the Woman In Black

I like to think of myself as a pretty good co-worker. I'm pretty easy going; have a good sense of humor; don't dish out much gossip (though, oddly, everyone loves to tell me their gossip...how many times have I had to act like I haven't heard something someone is telling me? Really? I had NO idea.)

But there is one particular area I am woefully deficient in: dealing with grief. If your dog gets hit by a car, I can be sad as all get out in my head, but don't expect me to tell you that. When you find out you have ALS, I'll think "Man, that is really awful" but I'm not going to come around and ask you how you're feeling.

Why is this? I want to be a compassionate person (that word again!). I want to be friendly to people, even if we aren't friends. And to be honest, there aren't very many people I work with that I would consider friends. Most of them are just, well, co-workers.

There is a woman at work whose father has died. He was very old and somewhat ill so it was not too shocking. But when she came back to work, everyone gathered round her and asked how she was holding up; it must be hard on your mother; it comes at such a bad time...I mean, I don't even like saying hi to people sometimes and now I'm supposed to put a kind hand on her shoulder and ask her how she's doing? I can't. I really can't.

I know this offends people. I know feelings are hurt, but I just can't make myself do it. Some people think I'm aloof, which is partially true. Some people may even think I am unkind, but that is not true.

Here is what is true: I'm rather private (particularly so at work). I don't even like it when my boss sends out an email about how I'm out for a doctor's appointment. So if I were actually to, say, lose a parent, I would tell my boss and give him explicit instructions not to mention it to anyone. I don't want flowers or a fruit basket. I don't want cards. I don't want condolences. Even if your motives are sincere, I assure you, they are unnecessary.

Therefore, Woman Whose Dad Has Died, I will leave you alone. And I hope, that should the situation ever be reversed, you will bestow on me the same kindness.

Spamtastic

I get spam. You get spam. We all get spam. It gets sorted neatly into my "spam" folder so I never even see it.




Things like:

-Losing weight has never been so easy!
-SAD TO HAVE SHORT D1CCK
-you have 8 new messages from ladies

go unanswered by me.

Which is fine.

But have you ever seen the names of the people who send these out? They sound like retarded Garbage Pail Kids (no offense to retarded people, garbage men, containers of any kind, or kids). Here are just a few from my spam list:

Abel Stubbs
Lassie T. Petroleum
Stenches E. Hubbard
Gramophone I. Merger
Nabob S. Honeymooner
Lascaux E. Iconoclast
Faisal U. Attica
Catfishes R. Bucked
Scalded D. Sari
Solidness B. Nestle
Trochee D. Haft
Thermoplastic S. Receiva
Schnauzer M. Obscener

I don't know about you, but I want to meet this Trochee D. Haft. We can have some tea and write a few poems together. The great anthropologist Lascaux E. Iconoclast could teach a class on pre-historic art at the Learning Annex. As for Faisal U. Attica, well, he's obviously a terrorist.

Gothamist

New York is a city that I love and hate to equal degrees.

I'd like to steal this quote from Jimmy Breslin because it's the truest thing I've ever heard. Truer than God or "My name is ____" or gravity.

I knew it early on, after having lived here for only a few years, and I know it now, after nearly eight. For every thing I love about New York (the architecture), there is something I hate ($). For every thing I hate about New York (MTA motherfuckers), there is something I love (the amazing, amazing food).

But this isn't a post about the things I hate about New York. This is a post about:

Bridges.

I’ve been over most of them. I’m particularly well-acquainted with the Queensborough Bridge. During the transit strike last December, I walked over it to work and it was a rather peaceful, meditative way to start the day. During the blackout in 2003, I walked down 43 flights of stairs with a co-worker. He lived in Long Island, so we walked over the bridge together. I was sad I didn’t have my camera, but more than that, I was thankful that I had worn decent walking shoes that day.

I love the Verazzano-Narrows. I think it is beautiful, even if it is connected to Staten Island.

I’ve walked over the Brooklyn Bridge with a birthday cake at dusk. And discovered it’s actually kind of hard to get off because the ramp goes on for a long, long way and suddenly you are nowhere near Grimaldi’s anymore.

Snowman had swatted at a birthday piñata underneath the Williamsburg Bridge. I made it for him and filled it up with candy and lotto tickets.

I’ve taken the George Washington on my way to and from the Berkshires.

When I take a cab home and it’s nighttime and we’re cruising on the top level of the Queensborough, I always take a look over my shoulder at the city all lit up, speeding away from me. That’s my city. A co-op city where everyone owns a little piece. I’m always a little bit awed. I can never quite believe it. Is this how Dorothy felt when she saw the Emerald City? Anything could happen in a city like that.

I lean back in the taxi and smile to myself. Suddenly, I can’t wait for tomorrow.

'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see...
-They Might Be Giants