#10 Anyeong!

There are a few Asian grocery stores in the city that I like to frequent. My favorite--simply because it's more centrally located--is Han Ah Reum, fondly known as H Mart.

I went a few days ago with Smalls and bought some sardines, fish cakes, and bean sprouts out of the prepacked deli case. I don't think my mom ever made the fish cakes growing up, but I ate plenty of the sardines and sprouts throughtout my childhood. I just had some for lunch. Delish!

I also buy these delicious Japanese candies called Morinaga hi-chew [caveat: there is a generic brand of candy called hi-chew that should only be eaten in cases of dire desperation; make sure you get the good stuff with the konji writing!] that come in flavors like strawberry, grape, and yogurt. I buy whatever is there that day. They are a juicy, chewy taste explosion.

I like to buy at least one foreign item, something I've never had before and am not sure what it is either. There's plenty to choose from, since it's all in Korean or Japanese (even the stuff that is actually in English seems odd). I just look at the pictures and imagine putting it in my mouth. Sometimes I pick good things, sometimes I don't. This time I bought some Hello Kitty strawberry marshmallows with a jelly center. I'm not sure why I bought them since I don't like marshmallows that much (I guess I can't resist that adorable bow in her hair), but now that I'm halfway through the bag, I find them quite nice. Mildly fruity and not overly sweet.

#9 John Updike talks

A quote from John Updike taken from TIME 6/5/2006:

And waste, the American waste. I find myself very disturbed lately by the fact that restaurants give you more than any sane person would want to eat, and food is packaged in bigger and bigger containers now so that you try to buy a mere quart of ginger ale and you have to buy a gallon of it that won't fit in the refrigerator. I'm very aware, almost for the first time in my life, of consumerism, being a dupe of consumerism.

I have to agree 100% with Updike. It is slowly dawning on me that my role as an American consumer is not a small one. How much to do I buy? How much do I throw away? How much could have been spared?

I think about it particularly as it concerns food. Growing up, the bigger the portion, the more I liked it. But now restaurants serve such huge portions, Snowman and I find ourselves often sharing entrees (and, naturally, being charged a plate-sharing fee). I hate throwing food away, but I also don't like being told how much I'm supposed to eat. It's a very difficult thing to reverse the mentality of reckless consumerism, but I am trying. I feel like it is vitally important to be respectful of my place on Earth, the footprints that I leave behind, the physical remnants of my existence. I would like for it to be as minimal as possible.

#8 Maroons

244 West 16th Street
New York, NY 10011
212.206.8640

What a grueling subway ride Snowman and I had! A trip that would normally take 25 minutes, took over an hour. Thus we were very late for our reservation. But we did see a very tall Tim Robbins and his two boys in Union Square, so that kind of made up for it. This restaurant is packed and cramped. They have absolutely packed in as many tables as possible, leaving virtually no space between diners. The kitchen is smaller than my own, and, oddly, the bathroom sink is outside the actual bathroom. The booths are probably original fixtures, as they were more spring than cushion when I sat on them. The service was polite, although a bit harried.

Everyone I ate with had the fried chicken, which they all said was delicious. As it was a veggie day for me, I opted for the waffles with cream and syrup (their only two non-meat items were either waffles or pancakes). Definitely some of the best waffles I've had, and plenty of them. The cream added a really wonderful layer of sweetness. The cornbread that came with lunch was fresh and crumbly. It would have been nice to have been served butter with it, but it was still tasty without.

Grade: B

#7 Aix

2398 Broadway
New York, NY 10024
212.874.7400

The weekend of eating out continues...this time to the ever-popular Didier Virot-owned French restaurant Aix (pronounced ehx). Lovely, dark, soothing decor and mostly pleasant service, but the food was hit-and-miss. My appetizer of grilled asparagus with shiitakes, striped beets, goat cheese, and walnut vinaigrette was fantastic. I love beets and paired with the tart cheese and sweet earthy asparagus, this was just delicious. However, my entree of a brisket sandwich with emmenthaler was quite unimpressive. The brisket was dry and flavorless (the tangy cole slaw helped somewhat). The French fries, however, were probably some of the best I've ever had. Crispy, hot, perfectly salted. The red-haired clown himself would be duly impressed. My latte, although mouth-searingly hot at first, was perfect. Overall, I'm afraid I have to mark it down for a rather boring entree, especially when it costs over $20.

Grade: B-

#6 Serendipity III

225 East 60th Street
New York, NY 10022
212.838.3531

I've been here and handful of times and it's never that great. The ice cream is really good, but the wait is always infernal and the service condescending. But my cousin brought in her daughter and my sister wanted to treat us to ice cream and I thought, hell, let's go back. And I'm glad we did, because, yes, the wait was still interminable, but our waiter was downright delightful (something tells me he won't last there long).

I had the "ultimate BLT," which was tasty, but had some structural problems. Namely, it was on toasted Challah bread, which was too crumbly to hold the innards in very well. The tomatoes, although very fresh, were just sliced way too large and overpowered the other components of the sandwich. The bacon and lettuce were perfect. The mayo was on the side, so I applied it to my liking.

In additional, I had a side of fried parsnips, which were really great. They have a nice, earthy taste, but aren't overpowering. For dessert I had the Strawberries and Cream sundae, an tremendously large strawberry sundae layered with strawberry syrup, cheesecake, and whipped cream. It was delicious, until the cheesecake got waterlogged with melted ice cream, but by that point I was overstaed anyway.

Grade: B

#5 718 Restaurant

35-01 Ditmars Blvd.
Astoria NY 11105
(718) 204-5553

Certainly one of the best restaurants I've eaten at in Queens. Dark, warm, romantic decor with soft cozy booths and table; a well-stocked bar; fresh, inventive food, beautifully presented. During a night of lamb, tilapia, mozzarella salad, thin crust pizza, and bread pudding, the hands down favorite was my bowl of yellow gazpacho, which consisted of tomatoes, squash, onion, garlic, olives, and pineapple. Spicy, cool and creamy, it was easily the best gazpacho I've ever had; the real question is whether it's the best soup I've ever had period (top five, for sure). Including a drink per person, we spent $47 each. A little pricey, but we all said well worth it.

Grade: A

#4 Pasta With Chicken and Mushrooms

This was seriously tasty and very simple to make. I always get nervous around chicken because I feel like there is a paper-thin line between raw chicken and rubbery chicken, and because I'm concerned about salmonella, I feel like I tend towards rubbery. Not so last night! Chicken was wonderfully tender. Neither Snowman nor I like parsley very much, so I usually omit it, but this time I wish I hadn't. The green would have added a nice contrast to all the browness. The recipe comes from Everyday Food.

Makes 4 servings

Salt and pepper
3/4 pound bow tie pasta (obviously, any small pasta will do; I used penne rigate)
1 pound chicken tenders, quartered
2 teaspoons butter
1 pound small white button mushrooms stems trimmed, halved (I used cremini and kept the stems because I like the visual)
1/2 cup dry white wine
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup fresh chop parsley (as mentioned, I egregiously omitted this)

In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta until al dente, according to package instructions. Reserve 1/4, cup pasta water; drain pasta, and return to pot.

Meanwhile, season chicken generously with salt and pepper. In a large skillet, melt butter over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook, turning once, until cooked through, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a plate.

Add mushrooms to pan; season with salt and pepper. Cover; cook over medium heat until mushrooms release their liquid, about 5 minutes. Uncover; cook, stirring, until liquid has evaporated, 3 to 5 minutes more. Add wine; cook, stirring, until evaporated, 2 to 3 minutes.

Reduce heat to low. Add cream and chicken; stir to coat. Transfer to pot with pasta; add parsley and pasta water (if desired) (I did not desire. I thought the sauce was thin so I handed a handful of parmesan (after all, what's pasta without cheese?) and a tsp. of cornstarch (make sure you boil the sauce for a minute)). Toss to combine. Season again with salt and pepper; serve immediately.

Grade: A

#3 Gingerly

I can't decide about ginger. I usually like it in controlled doses. A little ginger in my stir fry is a beautiful thing, but do I want to drink a glass of ginger beer? Not so much. I do, however, like ginger snaps an awful lot. Which is why I recently bought a package of Newman's Own Ginger-O's (think Oreos with gingersnaps instead of chocolate cookie). I have to say, they're really awesome. Enough ginger to give you a little bite, but not enough to make you want to scrape your tongue out. Plus you're supporting the lovely Paul Newman and charity at the same time! A co-worker said he had tried Newman's Own version of the Oreo and didn't like it. I said that was because it wasn't an Oreo, which are so ingrained on our taste buds that anything else tastes like crap (Hydrox, anyone?). There is no alternate version of Ginger-O's so you can approach it with a fresh palate.

Tip: If you buy a whole ginger root and only use a small amount for a meal, peel the rest and keep it in the fridge. It lasts forever and grates just as easily frozen as not.

#2 Cook'n

A lot of people do certain repetitive activities as a form of meditation: knitting; gardening; playing piano. I load recipes into my Cook'n database. It's not as time-consuming as it used to be, mostly because my recipes come from magazines like Living and Food & Wine and they keep their recipes online, so it's little more than cutting and pasting. Some recipes--say ones I clip from a newspaper or come from friends--need to be scanned.

This still takes time, I admit. And I have stacks of magazines I haven't been able to digitize yet. But I still think it's worthwhile. The program lets me sort recipes how I choose (I block them by source and year) and as far as I can tell, there's no limit to how many recipes you can store (I must have several hundred by now). It came preprogrammed with its own recipes, but I deleted all of those, because I wanted only to include recipes that I hand-picked. I can also attach bmp photos, which I love. I can search by ingredient (great for when I use one stalk of celery for tuna fish and have six stalks left over). And I can add my own notes, so after I try a recipe I can add things like "needs more salt" or "careful not to over bake." I also add my initials to a recipe once I've tried it, so I can remind myself later. It also makes it really easy to share recipes through email. And think of how easy it would be to pass on to future generations! Instead of a huge binder with papers jutting out everywhere, all I have to do is hand over a CD! What I also like is that when I'm making something, I can print out the recipe and it doesn't matter if I spill oil or gravy or jam on it, because I can always print out another one!

Today I added some recipes for a shrimp, crab and avocado salad; honey-roasted root vegetables; potato dill bread.

#1 In the Beginning

They say all roads lead to Rome, but I say all roads lead to my mouth.

I'm not sure what's going to become of this project--perhaps nothing at all. I'll post recipes and restaurant reviews as well as, well, basically, anything that has to do with food.

So this is what happened today:

For breakfast I had a leftover smoothie I had concocted for Snowman out of frozen blueberries, strawberries and raspberries plus a banana, some skim milk, and honey. Sounds good, right? Nope. Bleck. My first foray into smoothie-making, a dismal failure!



For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I probably eat for lunch 3-4 times a week. I used to swear by Jif, but as I've gotten older (quel dommage!) I've decided to go the all natural route. I was having a hard time finding one that actually tasted like anything, until I came across Whole Foods own brand, called 365. They make a natural creamy peanut butter which is delicious and not overly-goopy like some of the naturals.

For dinner Snowman and I had--a real gastronomic delight--Kraft Mac N Cheese. I don't want to air anyone's dirty laundry, but Snowman tried to make it the other night and overcooked the pasta to a sad, mushy matter which was quickly deposited into the trash can. I added some broccoli, extra cheese, and a little chili jam (so wonderfully spicy and sweet) to jazz it up.

I also went to Barnes & Noble to find a proper smoothie book with recipes, since the one I made up on the cuff didn't work out so well. There is a much better selection on Amazon, of course, but when you get an idea in your head, only instant gratificiation will do. So there I was, sitting on the floor, books spread out, trying to figure out which smoothies sounded the healthiest, the most appetizing, the easiest to make. I settled on The Big Book of Juices and Smoothies because it had lots of tasty recipes, simple ingredients, and told you what vitamins you were getting and whether it was good for energy, immunity, detox, digestion, or skin. Haven't made any yet, but will soon.

I also ordered FreshDirect. Nothing like an impending shipment of munchies to help one sleep soundly!

Can't promise all entries will be this long. After all, 365 days is an awfully long time...

Blog Update

It's not fair, I thought. Relegated to some side blog like last year's cowboy boots.

Something that takes up so much of my thought, love, energy, and waking life deserves its time in the sun. So here it is: a new version of an old blog. Move over random posts about doctors, astrology, and grief. It's time to write about bread, wine, and great big bowls of pasta.

I'm calling it "A Year of Food" because my plan is to write a daily post about food--recipes, restaurant reviews, cereal--whatever floats my boat. Your boat too, I hope. (Don't ask me where I got the idea to do 365 days of something...probably from this guy.) Can I do it? Who knows. I don't have the longest attention span, so a year of food, may devolve into a week of food. Let's see what happens.

To that end, and in the interest of time, I'm nixing the side blogs. I'll still occasionally post about things that aren't related to food, but for the most part, if I can't eat it, drink it, or fry it up in a pan, it's not making onto my blog.

I've already written two entries, so I'm going to back-post those.

Bon appetit!

My Most Fabulous Day III

Well, these days sure are going downhill fast! To refresh, the score is 1-1. June 7th was "fabulous day" #3.

The recap:

I had a cold. I must have sneezed 900 times. I think I actually injured a rib from excessive sneezing. not fabulous

I wore the wrong pair of socks with my sneakers and they kept wriggling off my foot. I spent most of the day with my sock half on and half off. not fabulous

It rained all day. This I actually didn't mind that much. The temperature was pleasant enough. fine

I had a Jamba Juice berry fulfilling smoothie for dinner. I'm in love with Jamba Juice. If it weren't so expensive, I would have one every day. lovely

I tried to take a nap before going out, but it was not to be. There is nothing worse than when a nap lets you down. not fabulous

VE, CosCreative, and I got together to work on a "best cover albums" project, which was fun. There are a lot of album covers out there--good and bad. It will be interesting to see how all our different tastes stack up against each others. But, you know, I was tired because of no nap and still sneezing up a storm. Still, I'd say very lovely.

Overall, what can I say? This days wasn't that great. The cold really sucked.

Score is now 1-2.

Next Fabulous Day: June 30th.

Dr. Hibbert Will See You Now (Or How To Waste $15)

In my time in New York I've accumulated quite a cadre of doctors: internists, specialists, surgeons--you name it, I've seen someone for it. I probably find about 90% of these doctors pretty good at what they do, which is pretty good considering most were picked solely on the basis of their proximity to where I work. But there is one doctor I've never particularly liked, and oddly, he's the one I've had the longest: my general practititioner.

I suppose the reason I never bothered to change was because I never saw him that much. He'd give me my flu shot and I'd see him if I wanted to check my cholesterol or my allergies were bothering me, but over the course of eight years, this has only amounted to a handful of visits.

One time I had an allergic reaction to a medicine I was taking. I was covered in hives; I had a fever; I couldn't even bend my fingers they were so swollen. When I went to see him the first thing he said was "Wow, you might have some mysterious illness." Or hives.

The next time I had an allergic reaction to a different medicine, I went to my dermatologist. Who actually knew what it was.

For about five days I had had a sore throat which progressed into a racuous cough. Normally I won't go to the doctor for a cold unless it's gone on for a week, but I felt oddy pressured by my boss (I had left work early and felt somehow that was contingent upon my seeing the doctor).

As soon as I said "cough" he said "bronchitis." As soon as he said "bronchitis" little bells went off in my head. I mean, I'm no doctor myself, but I'm pretty sure a cough is a sign of many things, including the common cold. As I continued to describe my condition, he continued to repeat bronchitis.

All for this: he's a pill pusher. All he wanted to do was give me a prescription for something. He always has pharma reps in his office. They are always young, pretty girls. He is always super chatty. There must be some sort of reciprocity involved: the more samples he moves, the more pens and magnets he gets.

He shoved an antibiotic sample and prescription in my hand. Asked if I needed any other pills--mood stabilizers, sleeping pills, Viagra, Accutane, prevacid (this guy must give out GREAT Easter baskets).

So many times we don't listen to our guts and it turns out our guts were right. I knew I didn't have bronchitis. I never filled the prescrip and the sample is sitting on my dresser. Two days later, my cold seems to be clearing up nicely.

What I'm really saying is this: get your reqeusts in now, friends. Next time I see Dr. Hibbert, I'll be sure to hit him up for whatever you need.

Fun With Science

This is what happens when you're bored at work. Not just what actually happened on the video, but the making of it as well. Bored, bored, bored.

But really, this ranks as one of my favorite moments at my job. That and winning the Oscar pool last year. That and spending an hour fishing a tiny envelope out from behing a cubicle with a coat hanger. That and watching my boss eat a rice krispies treat and having it fly out of his mouth and fall on the floor. That and...nope, that's it.

To find out how to do it, go here.

PS-This video doesn't seem to work in Mozilla, so use an ie-based browser.

PPS-At home I tried an ie-based browser and it DIDN'T work, but used Mozilla and it DID. So I don't know what to say, except you should see a blue "play" button in the middle of the screen or it won't work properly. Clearly, I have not totally gotten the hang of embedding home video.

You Can Quote Me...

I like quotes. Much like lists, in a world over-saturated with information, quotes seem like a good way to parse things out. One of my favorites is credited to Dame Julian of Norwich, a 14th century mistic: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

I also like to compile quotes from the books I read. I don't necessarily think putting a "favorite quote" at the end of my book reviews in MICHELLEPHANT READS BOOKS necessarily captures all the nuances of what I've read, but I think it gives someone who has not read the book a decent idea as to the general tone.

I think a lot of times people are quoted out of context and I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. And I have thus far not posted anything even remotely political because I find arguing rather boring. But, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this dude?

I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5-lb. perch in my lake.--George W. Bush, answering a German newspaper reporter who asked him to name the best moment of his five years as president. (taken from from TIME 5/22/06)

All I have learned about life can be summed up in three words: it goes on.

—Robert Frost

O, Magical Internet, What Else Will I Learn From You?

We've all gotten those emails. Now think for a minute and try to anticipate which type of emails I'm actually talking about. Spam? Chain letters promising $2500 from Mr. Bill Gates himself sent from a lawyer who "knows" what she's talking about? Jokes with rudimentary animation, usually involving a middle-aged fat man dropping his pants? No. No. No.

I'm actually talking about those personal quizzes that get passed around like mono on prom night. I like the quizzes. I try not to forward them too much, because I consider email a legitimate form of communication and not a means by which to make my friends dread hearing from me. But I like them nonetheless. Why? Because I like to believe it matters to someone other than myself and the CEO of General Mills what I had for breakfast this morning (yogurt burst Cheerios, FYI). Because like this very blog, I want proof of my existence. Not just for others to have proof I existed, but proof for myself. Maybe in a few days I won't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but if I look at that old email, I'll remember those Cheerios and picture myself sitting on the couch in my strawberry patch-patterned PJs, watching NY1 (hi, Pat!), trying to figure out how to get out of going to work. Good times.

I got an unusual quiz the other day. It was one where instead of filling out information about yourself, you fill out information about the person who sent it to you. I can't believe I've never seen this before, because I feel like if there is a forward out there, it will inevitably make it into my inbox. This quiz wasn't all that interesting. They didn't ask very probing questions and the questions they did ask like "What was the first thing I said to you?" just don't apply when you've known someone for ten years and can't even remember the last thing they said to you.

There are two things I found out from this quiz. One is that if I were on a deserted island with anyone who knows me I am expected to either craft the hell out of it with rubber stamps and diecuts or else bring the Cheetos.

The other thing involves this question: Are you rebel or do you follow the rules? Most of my friends said I followed the rules, but my cousin said I absolutely did NOT follow the rules. So who's right?

I guess it depends what the rules are.

I follow the rules:

• I don't litter.


• Or smoke.


• Or drink much.


• Or do any kind of drugs.


• I don't speed when I drive.


• I actually use the library and return my books on time. If I don't, I pay the ten cent fine.


• I floss.


• I don't like to sleep on my left side because I hear it's bad for your heart.


• I don't use my teeth to open bottles.


• I recycle.

I don't follow the rules:

• I don't believe in God (I'd like to, but I'm honest enough with myself to admit I'm highly suspicious).


• I have more stuffed animals now than when I was twelve. I talk to them. They talk back.


• I think voting for the president is more important than voting for the next American Idol.


• I eat potato chips for dinner.


• I shower as little as possible and wash my hair even less.


• I don't care if my boyfriend goes to strip clubs, looks at porn, or reads Playboy (not that he does any of those things)


• I play with my food.


• I go to fancy restaurants, take off my shoes, and tuck my feet under my butt.


• I want to name my first born Tristmegistus. Or Newly.

I think in the end it's relative. Literally. My family—sure they have their psychotic moments, but for the most part, they're pretty normal. So to them, I appear odd. Whereas most of my friends are of the free-thinking, creative variety and to them, I appear un-odd.

I suppose, really, it's nice to be both. Isn't that right, Pippo?

Why, yass, that is certainly correct.

The Secret Behind Olive Garden's Meat Lasagna

ORPHAN: Hi.

OLIVE GARDEN HOST: Oh. Yes?

O: Do you have a family for me?

OGH: Excuse me?

O: A family. I need a family.

OGH: I don't know what you're talking about. Look, we don't serve homeless people here.

O: But your ad says "When you're here, you're family." I need a family.

OGH: It's just an ad. It doesn't mean anything.

O: What happened to truth in advertising?

OGH: Look, you need to leave or I'm going to call the police.

O: Try it. I've got Angelina Jolie on speed dial. Now either you get me a family or I will unleash a PR campaign against this company, from which you will not recover. Imagine this splashed across the pages of People: "Angelina Jolie boycotts Olive Garden for unfair advertising and discrimination against the parentless."

OGH: Just a minute. [speaks into headset] Is Todd Sweeney around? Okay, thanks. [to the orpan] Someone will be with you shortly, if you'd like to take a seat.

O: That's what I thought.

[After a few moments, a man in a suit comes into the lobby.]

Todd Sweeney: Hello, Orphan. I'm the manager of this establishment. You would be so kind as to come with me?

O: Am I getting a family?

TS: You certainly are. We stand behind our campaign 100%. We promised that when you came here you'd be family, and family you are.

O: Finally! A chance to be loved!

[Sweeney leads Orphan to the back kitchen, chatting amiably the whole time about all the wonderful things the Orphan will be able to do with his new family like go to Disney, play catch, and have birthday parties. Orphan tears up a little.]

TS: They're just around this corner. And they're so excited to meet you!

[Orphan turns the corner, where an ax-wielding sous chef quickly chops off his head.]

TS: Grind him up.


Olive Garden: When You're Here, You're Family. Unless You're An Orphan. Then You're Lasagna.

The Day the Music Died.

When we're not spending all our free time writing in our blogs, reading other people's blogs, posting comments on blogs, posting comments to comments on blogs, looking at site traffic for our blogs, well, that's when we do worthwhile things like cure cancer, come up with alternative fuel sources, and make really delicious meals for the homeless.

Syke!

We talk about our blogs on gmail chat. This is a recent conversation I had with my lovely friend at Vinyl Edition when the blogger site was down (edited for clarity (his parts, not mine)):

Vinyl Edition:
a - why is my blog dead?
b - why does it feel like my child has died?
c - when will this be fixed?
d - can't they post some "Blog Down" page instead of showing a half-naked HTML-exposed version?
e - hu
f - i mean hi

Michellephant: I can't get to mine either. And I know how cranky mine gets when it doesn't get the attention it wants.

VE: Right? I got to yours via my dad's cpu but I can't get to it through mine.

M: Blogger gets wonky all the time.

VE: Speaking of which let's talk about how much I love Nutter Butter.

M: It's almost not worth it to be free.

VE: You nailed it. They taste like peanuts and they're shaped like peanuts. God, I love them.

M: You know it took a long time for me to like them. Once I had a filling at the dentist and I was shot up on novocaine...

VE: Well - they say it takes a long time to like anything worth liking.

M: ...I was hungry so I ate Nutter Butters but my tongue wasn't working so I chewed the shit out of it.

VE: ha ha ha

M: I'm over it now.

VE: So good. What, oh, what will be in your top 10? My favs have all made appearances
(i think).

M: As soon as blogger starts working again I'm ready to finish it up.

VE: DAMN BLOGGER. I'm taking my business elsewhere. When I got to yours, it was undressed.

M: Yeah! Somewhere where i have to PAY. Wait, no i'm not.

VE: Only half the list came up, and there was HTML code everywhere. I felt like I was seeing you naked.

M: What a trampy blog!

VE: I clicked "close," thinking - no, no, I shouldn't be seeing this.

M: You are a decent man.

VE: Thank you. I mean I looked for a LITTLE while but then closed it.

M: Well you are a MAN, decent or not. To be expected. Is this what it's like to have a Tamagochi?

VE: I think maybe so. You panic. You go - hey! You don't know what to do like a helpless parents. This is what it's like to have a child with cancer.

M: Yes, exactly like that. If I ever have a kid with cancer, I'll say to it, "You know, this reminds me of when I had a blog..."

[deleted talk about emoticons, Gilmore Girls, Lost, cyrogenically frozen heads, and anorexic fairies]

VE: I just thought of a quick rant. You know what?

M: What?

VE: No - blogger ISN'T free. Sure, it doesn't cost us money for the "privilage" of being able to write and self-publish and be creative and get attention, BUT that shit takes time. There are millions of blogs, tons of them get HUGE traffic, Ad Sense monitors Google's overall traffic, therefore, what we have is essentially a socialist system where only the top dog gets his day. It's communism and capitalism combined and while the workers control the means of production only those at the top get paid. Done.

M: Oh of course...it's free monetarily, but costs a lot in mental energy. The top dog thing...that's the world.

VE: So I've heard. I know. I'm half-kidding. I smile as I type.

M: I'm thinking about staging a revolution.

[deleted talk about a friend we'd rather not let get out...we say good-bye]

[six minutes later]

VE: The doctors just called. Our babies are alive.

M: I know! I'm on it.

VE: Wooo hooo!!! Why the relief? Why the JOY?!

[more deleted talk about our nameless friend and how VE wants to kill said person and drink his/her blood]

VE: I think blogger died again. Nevermind. Sigh.



Jesus wept.

The end.

My Most Fabulous Day II

For those of you who don't remember, let me refresh: this year, I am keeping track of my "fabulous days" as put forth by some unknown women's magazine for my astrological sign. The first day was February 20th and I rated it on the "low end of fabulous." The next day was May 7th. Here's the recap.

• It was Sunday, so I had to tutor the eight-year olds. It was one of the better days (they were mostly well-behaved and the class went by quickly), but nobody likes working on Sunday. not fabulous


• I had a sinus headache when I got home, so I took some Benadryl, which I feel is somewhat equivalent to taking a roofie. I didn't go to sleep, but I was extremely groggy and unaware. very not fabulous


• After tutoring, I had planned on going to the park for a jog, but instead took a nap. Bad, because I didn't run, but I can't ever complain about napping. fine


• I ate an entire bag of Poppycock for dinner. fine


• I watched two of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls and Scrubs. GG has been wildly hit or miss this season, but Scrubs continues to delight. very fine


• I played Yahoo games when I couldn't fall asleep, and one of the women in the room was a teacher who kept spelling "bleeding ulcer" as "bleading ulser." I hope to God my children never have that woman as their teacher. fine


• Since Snowman was asleep and I wanted to read, I propped a flashlight on my shoulder. It made me think of camping or staying up past my bedtime when I was kid. very fine

Overall, this day gets an "okay" rating from me, which makes the score 1-1.

Next fabulous day: June 7th.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #26-1

The end of the road...

25. Nabisco Wheat Thins. Hands down, my favorite cracker. I heart salt.

24. Nabisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolately Chip). The smooth-skinned offspring of a mixed marriage.

23. Snackwells Devil's Food Cookies. I like the chewy texture and how the coating crackles when you bite into it.

22. Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (Phish Food). I love the little chocolate fish!

21. Planters Salted Cashews. The perfect combination of salty and sweet.

20. Pringles (Sour Cream and Onion). I lick off the sour cream powder and then eat the chip.

19. Combos (Pepperoni Pizza Cracker). I break them open and eat the cheese first. (Seriously, is what is wrong with me?)

18. Pepperidge Farm Flavor-Blasted Cheddar Goldfish. This powdery version is far superior to the plain ones.

17. Snickers Ice Cream Bars. One of my favorite deli treats and much tastier than real Snickers. How come the caramel doesn't freeze? It's a mystery of science...

16. Ben & Jerry's Frozen Yogurt (Half-Baked). I'm really into chewy...this ice cream has a great blend of brownies and cookie dough.

15. Hostess Fruit Pies (Cherry). This reminds me of road trips and 7-11s. Memories, misty colored memories...

14. Ruffles (Cheddar and Sour Cream). I really like orange food. Take that, Billy Bob Thornton!

13. Doritos (Nacho Cheese). The best thing to happen to a tortilla chip.

12. Munchos. Like Pringles, but greasier, crunchier, yummier.

11. Terra Red Bliss Roasted Garlic & Parmesan Potato Chips. These make your breath stink like you licked a skunk's ass, but they are so damned good.

10. Lays Potato Chips (Sour Cream and Onion). The best of the sour cream and onion family.

9. Lays Potato Chips (Cheddar and Sour Cream). Fake cheese strikes again!

8. Little Debbies Zebra Cakes. I love these because my mom would never buy them when we were kids. I peel off the outer layer, lick out all the cream, then throw the cakes away.

7. Little Debbies Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Whenever Sea Thing was in a bad mood when we lived together, I'd bring some of these home to take the edge off.

6. Girl Scout Cookies Samoas/Caramel Delites. Chewy, coconutty, caramely tastiness.

5. Doritos (Cool Ranch). When I was in high school, my lunches consisted soley of a big Hawaiian fruit punch and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

4. Planters Cheez Balls. I stick my tongue right into the blue tin and let the cheez balls adhere like velcro.

3. Fritos (Chili Cheese). A little spicy, a little cheesy, a little corn chippy.

2. Lays Classic Potato Chips. These are just simple, salty, crunchy and perfect. You cannot pass a giant bowl of these chips at a party and not stick your hand in.

1. Funyuns. These kind of tear up the roof of my mouth, but it's so worth it. I've been known to shake the crumbs out of the bag directly into my mouth.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #50-26

And so it goes...

50. Stacy's Pita Chips (Parmesan, Garlic and Herb). No need for dip!

49. Nabisco Better Cheddar Crackers. I like food that rhymes.

48. Keebler Animals Iced Cookies. Love these cinnamon-ey iced treats. I like to name them all, tell them they've been veeerrrry bad, then bite their heads off.

47. Miss Vickies Chips (Jalapeno). Dear God, I love jalapeno.

46. Little Debbie Fudge Brownies. In no way resemble the brownies you make at home, but there is something addictive about them anyway.

45. Murray Chocolate Chip Cookies. I used to put these on each finger and wave them around like jewels.

44. Nabisco Nutter Butters. Not only do they taste like peanuts, but they look like them too!

43. Cheez-Its Twisterz (Cheddar and More Cheddar). I also like to pull these apart. Basically, if I CAN play with my food, I WILL.

42. Nabisco Oreos. Classic cookie perfection.

41. Entenmann's Rich Frosted Donuts. If you refrigerate them, the bottom gets wonderfully crunchy.

40. Moon Pies (Chocolate). A great gas station/roadside treat.

39. Corn Nuts (BBQ). Corn gone bad.

38. Jello-O Chocolate Vanilla Swirl Fat Free Pudding. I could go for something Jell-O.

37. Utz Onion and Garlic Potato Chips. In my mind, these are so much better than salt & vinegar.

36. Cheez-Its (White Cheddar). Mmm...powdery cheese residue on fingers...

35. Royal Dansk Butter Cookies. Nothing says Middle America like a blue tin of Danish cookies.

34. Moon Pies (Banana). Yeah for banana treats! I like to pull the cookies off and eat the marshmallow center separately.

33. Hostess Sno Balls. I can't get over how soft these are. I want to make a Sno Ball pillow.

32. Little Debbie Nutty Bars. Shocker...I like to pull the wafers apart before I eat them.

31. Haagen Dazs Ice Cream (Dulce de Leche). Caramel and vanilla? So freaking delicious.

30. Bonne Maman Raspberry Tartlets. Chewy, flaky, fruity, refined.

29. Nabisco Chips Ahoy! I have always favored Chips Ahoy! over Oreos.

28. Pepperidge Farm Dark Chocolate Chunk Nantucket Cookies. I love these crunchy cookies.

27. Pepperidge Farm Chessman Cookies. The only time I like playing chess.

26. Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts. I like to suck on them to get all the salt out. Is that weird?

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #75-51

The list continues...

75. Skinny Cow Fat Free Fudge Bars. Chocolate goodness.

74. Nabisco Fig Newtons. Not a cookie. Fruit and cake.

73. Pepperidge Farm Pirouette Cookies. Man, these are good with a steaming cup of cocoa.

72. Keebler E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies. I like to set these up like dominoes, then knock them all over.

71. Fritos (Original). Someone once said Fritos smelled like dogs. I like food that smells like dogs.

70. Ritz Crackers. I have to leave the box in the kitchen or I will eat them all at once.

69. Bahlsen HIT Cookies. I used to think these were Asian when I was a kid. But they're not.

68. Munchies (Classic). Sun Chips, Cheetos, Doritos...if only they'd get rid of the pesky pretzels.

67. Ritz Bitz Cheese Cracker Sandwiches. Fake cheese makes another appearance. I think I actually like it more than real cheese.

66. Handi-Snacks Breadsticks 'n Cheez. Another fake cheese entry...am I being predictable?

65. Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I like to unroll these, lick out all the cream, then eat the cake.

64. Pepperidge Farm Raspberry Chantilly Cookies. I love the powdered sugar that gets all over my lips.

63. Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches (Coffee). Big ice cream sandwiches that don't taste healthy at all.

62. Entenmann's Crumb Donuts. A portable version of the crumb cake I grew up on.

61. Philly Swirls Cups. Someone once said the cotton candy flavor made him mouth have an orgasm.

60. Cheetos. I remember the Moving Debacle of 2005...I had Cheetos for lunch.

59. Jax Cheese Puffs. Seriously, what's with all the fake cheese?

58. Hostess Twinkies. Can you shove a whole Twinkie in your mouth in one bite?

57. Keebler Club Crackers. A bit more buttery than Ritz.

56. Kellogg's Rice Krispies Treats. Sure they're easy to make at home, but nothing beats buying them pre-cut and wrapped up.

55. Nasbisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolate). I have Snowman hide these around the apartment. Then I eat them as I find them. I'm kidding. I NEVER do that.

54. Klondike Krunch Ice Cream Sandwiches. Square ice cream...crazy.

53. Fruit Roll-Ups (Strawberry). I think I've actually eaten the plastic on these once or twice.

52. Pringles (Original). I'm notorious for over-eating these and then getting a tummy ache. But do I learn? No.

51. Ruffles (Original). I find Ruffles to be really salty. And that is a good thing.

Junk (Food) In My Trunk #100-76

My (and I emphasize the "my") Top 100 Junk Foods

Maybe I stole this idea from Vinyl Edition and maybe I didn't. Who's to say who invented the list?

Junk food is a subject near and dear to my heart. Around 6 PM my desire for carbs is at its peak. There is nothing better than coming home, kicking off my shoes, and digging into a bag of potato chips.

Before I get into the list proper, here were my arbitrary guidelines:

• Junk food means junk. No yogurt or granola bars.


• Junk food only includes food marketed as junk food. No Pop Tarts.


• Junk food must be processed.


• Junk food does not include candy. Candy is its own list.


• Junk food stands alone. Tostitos must be junky enough on their own, without queso dip.


• Junk food must acquirable in a deli or grocery store. Therefore, no DQ Blizzards.

100. Tostitos. They'd score higher if I could include dips, but I don't think that's fair to the other junk.

99. Little Debbies Apple Flips. I can't say these taste like apple, but I like their chewiness.

98. Little Debbie Fudge Rounds. I can't say these taste like fudge, but I like their chewiness.

98. Smartfood White Cheddar Cheese Popcorn. This snack may have been my first indication that popcorn came in flavors other than buttered.

96. Keebler Fudge Stripe Cookies. Growing up, these were the ultimate treat.

95. Keebler Vienna Fingers. Growing up, these were a drag. Now, though, I think they're tasty.

94. Bugles. Raise your hand if you put these on your fingers.

93. Sun Chips (Original). I've been known to eat an entire bag of these in one sitting.

92. Little Debbies Pecan Spinwheels. I liked unraveling these and eating it like a stick of gum.

91. Cracker Jacks. Would have scored higher if their prizes didn't bite the big one now.

90. Sun Chips French Onion. French Onion trumps Original, but just barely.

89. Fritos BBQ. I don't love the BBQ flavor, but it's hard to ruin a Frito.

88. Little Debbie Chocolate Chip Snack Cakes. Chocolate cake and cream filling? Sign me up.

87. Creamsicle Orange Bars. Something about the taste of orange and cream is so delicious and comforting.

86. Lance Nipchee Crackers. I love the cheese. If you peel it off the cracker, it actually disintegrates into powder.

85. Girl Scout Thin Mints. Must freeze.

84. Honeymaid Graham Crackers (Chocolate). You can almost trick yourself into believing these are healthy.

83. Nabisco Ginger Snaps. I like ginger. And I like things that snap.

82. Nabsico Nilla Wafers. These taste like a slightly stale security blanket.

81. Rold Gold Classic Style Pretzel Thins. Hard to beat this classic incarnation.

80. Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists. Okay, not that hard. Salty sweet perfection.

79. Nabisco Chicken In a Biscuit Crackers. I just think it's fun to say.

78. Stacy's Pita Chips (Cinnamon Sugar). Just enough sugar to make it a treat.

77. Koala March Cookies. Known as Koala Yummies in my youth. Who doesn't like chocolate-filled marsupials?

76. Nabisco Mallomars. Like a s'mores minus the skeeters.

Pay No Attention To the Woman In Black

I like to think of myself as a pretty good co-worker. I'm pretty easy going; have a good sense of humor; don't dish out much gossip (though, oddly, everyone loves to tell me their gossip...how many times have I had to act like I haven't heard something someone is telling me? Really? I had NO idea.)

But there is one particular area I am woefully deficient in: dealing with grief. If your dog gets hit by a car, I can be sad as all get out in my head, but don't expect me to tell you that. When you find out you have ALS, I'll think "Man, that is really awful" but I'm not going to come around and ask you how you're feeling.

Why is this? I want to be a compassionate person (that word again!). I want to be friendly to people, even if we aren't friends. And to be honest, there aren't very many people I work with that I would consider friends. Most of them are just, well, co-workers.

There is a woman at work whose father has died. He was very old and somewhat ill so it was not too shocking. But when she came back to work, everyone gathered round her and asked how she was holding up; it must be hard on your mother; it comes at such a bad time...I mean, I don't even like saying hi to people sometimes and now I'm supposed to put a kind hand on her shoulder and ask her how she's doing? I can't. I really can't.

I know this offends people. I know feelings are hurt, but I just can't make myself do it. Some people think I'm aloof, which is partially true. Some people may even think I am unkind, but that is not true.

Here is what is true: I'm rather private (particularly so at work). I don't even like it when my boss sends out an email about how I'm out for a doctor's appointment. So if I were actually to, say, lose a parent, I would tell my boss and give him explicit instructions not to mention it to anyone. I don't want flowers or a fruit basket. I don't want cards. I don't want condolences. Even if your motives are sincere, I assure you, they are unnecessary.

Therefore, Woman Whose Dad Has Died, I will leave you alone. And I hope, that should the situation ever be reversed, you will bestow on me the same kindness.

Spamtastic

I get spam. You get spam. We all get spam. It gets sorted neatly into my "spam" folder so I never even see it.




Things like:

-Losing weight has never been so easy!
-SAD TO HAVE SHORT D1CCK
-you have 8 new messages from ladies

go unanswered by me.

Which is fine.

But have you ever seen the names of the people who send these out? They sound like retarded Garbage Pail Kids (no offense to retarded people, garbage men, containers of any kind, or kids). Here are just a few from my spam list:

Abel Stubbs
Lassie T. Petroleum
Stenches E. Hubbard
Gramophone I. Merger
Nabob S. Honeymooner
Lascaux E. Iconoclast
Faisal U. Attica
Catfishes R. Bucked
Scalded D. Sari
Solidness B. Nestle
Trochee D. Haft
Thermoplastic S. Receiva
Schnauzer M. Obscener

I don't know about you, but I want to meet this Trochee D. Haft. We can have some tea and write a few poems together. The great anthropologist Lascaux E. Iconoclast could teach a class on pre-historic art at the Learning Annex. As for Faisal U. Attica, well, he's obviously a terrorist.

Gothamist

New York is a city that I love and hate to equal degrees.

I'd like to steal this quote from Jimmy Breslin because it's the truest thing I've ever heard. Truer than God or "My name is ____" or gravity.

I knew it early on, after having lived here for only a few years, and I know it now, after nearly eight. For every thing I love about New York (the architecture), there is something I hate ($). For every thing I hate about New York (MTA motherfuckers), there is something I love (the amazing, amazing food).

But this isn't a post about the things I hate about New York. This is a post about:

Bridges.

I’ve been over most of them. I’m particularly well-acquainted with the Queensborough Bridge. During the transit strike last December, I walked over it to work and it was a rather peaceful, meditative way to start the day. During the blackout in 2003, I walked down 43 flights of stairs with a co-worker. He lived in Long Island, so we walked over the bridge together. I was sad I didn’t have my camera, but more than that, I was thankful that I had worn decent walking shoes that day.

I love the Verazzano-Narrows. I think it is beautiful, even if it is connected to Staten Island.

I’ve walked over the Brooklyn Bridge with a birthday cake at dusk. And discovered it’s actually kind of hard to get off because the ramp goes on for a long, long way and suddenly you are nowhere near Grimaldi’s anymore.

Snowman had swatted at a birthday piñata underneath the Williamsburg Bridge. I made it for him and filled it up with candy and lotto tickets.

I’ve taken the George Washington on my way to and from the Berkshires.

When I take a cab home and it’s nighttime and we’re cruising on the top level of the Queensborough, I always take a look over my shoulder at the city all lit up, speeding away from me. That’s my city. A co-op city where everyone owns a little piece. I’m always a little bit awed. I can never quite believe it. Is this how Dorothy felt when she saw the Emerald City? Anything could happen in a city like that.

I lean back in the taxi and smile to myself. Suddenly, I can’t wait for tomorrow.

'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see...
-They Might Be Giants

Prostitution Count in Hollywood: Pretty High

What is will all the celebrity shilling? Are they not satisfied with being overpaid on screen? Does $10M a picture NOT cover the bills? It seems like no one cares about having a reputation anymore. Dignity? What the hell is that? They only care about having their face in as many places as possible.

Like InStyle.

The April 2006 issue (with Rebecca Romijn on the cover) (she's got a new TV show coming out, after all!) contains 31 celebrity endorsements.

Here's the rundown:

Sasha Cohen for Citizen watches: This is no way makes me want to buy a watch, especially the über-tacky charm bracelet one that's pictured in the ad. C-

Jennifer Love Hewitt for Hanes: I loathe these ads. They make Hewitt look like a tranvestite. (Oh, btw, she's called Jennifer Love in the ads.) F

Colin Mochrie for Nabisco: He's rather unattractive, which I believe breaks the cardinal rule of celebrity shilling. But I do like the snack packs and he's kind of funny. C+

Courteney Cox for Kinerase: I don't know what this product is or does and I do not care. C

Serena Williams for Spongebob Squarepants: You think I'm kidding, but she is seriously in an ad for a cartoon. C-

Charlize Theron for Christian Dior J'Adore: She looks like a frosty bitch. Not interested in smelling like one. C

Carrie Underwood for Skechers: As a B-lister, this ad is at the right level of sponsorship. She is sitting on the floor with a gaggle of lab puppies (coincidentally, labs are the B-listers of the puppy world; everyone knows golden retrievers are the cutest). C+

Halle Berry for Revlon: Revlon dumped some serious coin on this issue. There are beaucoup ads. This one is simple and attractive. B

Gwyneth Paltrow for Damiani: She has weird eye make-up on, but otherwise a clean, pretty ad. B

Hilary Duff for Candies Foundation PSA: Every celeb knows the way to goodwill is to do a PSA. A simple black and white picture does the trick. I WILL do everything I can to prevent teen pregnancy. Thanks for the tip, Hilary! B+

Samaire Armstrong, Ciara, Hilary Duff, and Michelle Trachtenberg for Candies at Kohl's: Yup, when one starlet isn't enough, you get four! Four girls who normally wear D&G and Prada are now dressed up in clothes from Kohl. Puh-leaze. D

Eva Mendes for Revlon: Not as pleasing as Berry's ad. B-

Kate Winslet for American Express: I like these ads. I'm tired of seeing the same ones everywhere, but I still like them. A

Ellen DeGeneres for American Express: see above. A-

Mischa Barton for Keds: I don't like these ads because I don't buy Barton as an "everygirl" who sits on a stack of watermelons in her Keds skimmers. C+

Kate Bosworth for Revlon: She's pretty enough to pull off a make-up advert, but not famous enough to really make it work. B-

Rachel Weisz for Burberry: Not a big fan of the photo montage tack, but Weisz looks lovely. A-

Gwyneth Paltrow for Estée Lauder Pleasures: That whore! Two ads! She looks rosier in this one. B+

Uma Thurman for Tag Heuer: Simple, unfussy. Nice. A

Julie Bowen for Neutrogena: Scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren't they? This ad is lifeless. C-

Queen Latifah for Cover Girl: She looks nice, but can't compete with the Revlon juggernaut. B

Halle Berry for Versace: Another trollop! She looks hot. A

Andie MacDowell for L'Oreal: Back to her modelling roots! Literally...it's an ad for hair color. B-

Mary Kate and Asley Olsen for Badgley Mischka: Not bad. I don't really buy them as refined society people, but I DO buy them as rich girls in fancy clothes who pass out in a druggy haze only to wake up the next morning with vomit on their $10K dresses. Oops. A-

Ashley Judd for American Beauty at Kohl's: Ashley wants us to think she's a simple country girl who shops at Kohl's and wears $20 perfume. I don't buy it. C

Charlize Theron for Aldo fights AIDS PSA: She looks good and there is a big piece of duct tape over her mouth which seems appealing. A

Naomi Watts for David Yurman: I think these ads would benefit by being in color instead of black and white. But still a decent ad. If I could afford it, I'd buy Yurman. A-

I'll post again if I come across a magazine with more than 31 celebrity advertisements. Could be any day now...

Cheerleader Nation

Here are some snippets from actual conversations Snowman and I had while watching Cheerleader Nation:

Snowman: I don't want a daughter.
Michellephant: Oh, I'm totally praying for boys.

***

M: I just don't think I can have a teenager.
S: Maybe they'll die at 12.

***

M: Hey, I fixed the pen.
S: The Viagra one?
M: Uh huh.

***

[Guess who said this]: Fuck you! You don't fucking have a fucking clue! The rules are fucking simple! You don't make the team if you can't do a back handspring!


That's right, it was Snowman.

Sucking at the Teat of a Passive Agressive Life

Although I work for a certain company, I actually work in a separate building from everyone else (a complicated story involving mergers, SEC rulings, and a night in Thailand I'm not at liberty to discuss) so I don't have regular face-to-face interactions with most of my colleagues. Thus, when I do see them in the flesh, it is a slightly awkward experience for all involved. I'm not super chummy and they don't really know who I am so after the "Hey, how's it going?" we have nothing to say, although we somehow feel we should continue this socially painful interaction further with something completely meaningless like "Nice weather, huh?" or "Any big plans this weekend?" [And if I say, "No, not really" they feel like they need to validate me: "Oh, well, sometimes it's nice to just relax," as if I cared what they thought of my weekend] Really, I just want to go away, I want them to go away, I want neither of to ever meet face-to-face again. But this is not to be.

One woman was supposed to give me a copy of a book I had done some work on. In October. I actually got the book from someone else (unbeknownst to this woman), but every time I see this woman she says, "Oh, I need to get you that book." I say something noncommital like, "Okay, whenever" and she says something proactive like "I promise you'll get it. You WILL get it."

I am pretty sure I will never get it.

One man—my boss' boss—used to say every time we saw each other, "I really need to come visit your office." He had said this to me about twenty times over the course of a year. He redeemed himself only once by saying, "Every time I see you, I say 'I need to visit you.'"

Needless to say, he has never visited.

I don't really care about either of these things too much, but to these people, they obviously mean something important, something to do. Why don't they just shut up and do them? Why doesn't the woman just give me the book so we can go back to the awkward conversations about my lame weekends? Why doesn't the man just come visit so we can stop speaking to each other altogether?

I told a friend I would burn a CD of the cheesy music we used to listen to in high school. She said she would do the same for me. We have neither of us done this, though I am constantly thinking, "Man, I should really make that damn thing." Why don't I just do it?

Because, oddly, discomfort is soothing. Anger is cozy. Depression is a nuk. When we shed our skins, not matter how rotten they are, we're naked. And when you finally do the thing you always said you were going to do, you lose the possibility of doing it. You lose the power you had over the person who was waiting for that thing to be done (however slight, however imagined).

I think, perhaps, I will never make that CD for my faraway friend. Then, on my deathbed, I'll whisper into my grown-up child's ear: Roxette.

Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

I feel like I should open this post with a joke:

Q: What do you call Dolly Parton in a bathtub?

A: Islands in the Stream.

But seriously, I love Dolly. She's her own person. She seems nice and funny and charming. She doesn't put on airs about who she is or what she does to herself (she even calls herself a dog-and-pony show). I like 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias an awful lot. I've already informed Snowman numerous times that if we ever go to Tennessee, we will be stopping at Dollywood hell or highwater. I wanted her to win the Oscar. I used to watch her variety show. There was a skit where she was a waitress at a truck stop. A teenager was there, looking to catch a ride with a driver somewhere. She finds a ride and as the driver's about to leave, Dolly says to him, "Drive carefully. You're carrying the most important cargo: young dreams." Wow.

And just when I thought I couldn't like her anymore she says the following: One of my dreams is to have my own line of frozen foods.

Anyone who dreams of owning a line of frozen food is aces in my book.

PS-March is National Frozen Food Month. For real. I used to work in a grocery store, so I know this to be true, but if you don't believe me, go here.